='(

Well, there is no easy way to start this.. so here it goes. It is with an extremely heavy heart that I have to announce that we are no longer expecting a child. We went to the doctor this morning and he said that unfortuantely he didn't see what he should be seeing at this point. There was no heartbeat and I couldn't even really tell what we were looking at. It didn't look like it did last time. =( He told me that I could get dressed and he would come back to talk to us some more. I was numb and I didn't know what to do. I was trying SO hard to hold back my tears, but when he came in I could barely speak. He went through the statistic and said that there is nothing that I could have done to prevent this, but I just hate that answer. He asked what we wanted to do and gave us a timeline. We said that we want to start the process again whenever we can and he suggested that I try to pass the baby naturally because a D&C can lead to more miscarriages in the future. After that he wants me to take birth control for a month to get a period and then we can start injections on day 3 of that cycle. Am I going to be ready by then!? I have no idea. I want to be. But right now I feel like my entire world has stopped and I don't want it to restart again. Right now my baby is still inside of me. It may not have a beating heart or growing limbs.. but I have a limited amount of time left before I have to let him/her go and I am absolutely terrified. How do I say goodbye? How do I move on? How do I be the mother of a tiny little angel? How do I not feel guilty when I do get pregnant again? Will my baby know that I am not just trying to replace him/her? Because that is just not possible. Will this happen again? Are the doctors wrong when they say that this isn't my fault? I have a million questions that I have no freaking clue how to answer. Maybe it's morbid that I don't want our baby to come out.. but I can't help it. I am mostly scared. I'm terrified that it will happen at work and I will just lose my shit. Not that I will have myself together the way that it is.. but still. If it comes out in one piece how do I just flush it down the toilet? Is that weird? Probably..  I'm a freaking disaster.
I cried nearly the whole three hour drive home. I talked to my sister for a few minutes and wished so badly that she wasn't so far away, because all I wanted was for her to reach through the phone and hug me. When we got here I cried in Savier's arms for a few minutes and then I went to lay down. I just needed a few minutes of relief from the pain, but I woke up with tears already running down my cheeks. I didn't even know that was possible. On the ride home I deleted all of my pregnancy apps. Right after I got a reminder that I should be 9 weeks pregnant. It deepened the wound a little more, but I had to do it. I also went on Pinterest. Which hurt. A lot. I can't bring myself to make a "loss" board, so I just started pinning things on one of my old secret boards that was originally meant for wedding things. It helps me though. It helps me to understand my feelings and know that they are okay and normal.
MaKayla has known that something is wrong all day. At first she thought that I was crying because I had blood taken and she assumed my arm hurt. I couldn't even muster up the words to tell her right away. I just kept telling her that I was sad. Before my nap I told her that the baby wasn't alive anymore, but I don't think she really understood. She just said "You can cry in my bed." While I was giving her a bath I was crying again and she asked why I was sad. She asked if it is because the baby is growing and I told her that the baby isn't growing any more. she asked why and I told her that the baby died. She asked if it was still in my belly and I told her yes, but it will not be for long. She hugged me and said "It's okay, because I am here!" She truly has been concerned as she watches me cry and I hate that she does have to see me this way. But I can't pretend.
**sigh**
I know that the worst is yet to come. And that feeling alone makes me feel like I am going to vomit. I have felt like I was going to vomit since the moment I left the doctor's office though. My body still feels and looks pregnant. Which makes it even harder. I read that a lot of times a woman's body does not recognize that the baby has died and it keeps acting pregnant until the womb is emptied. When I got home from the doctor's there was a box by our door... containing my mamamio belly butter, oil, and hormonal control face wash that I ordered. I didn't even open it.. I just put it right in the "baby room". After I put MaKayla to bed Savier said that we had to take the ultrasounds off of the fridge because he just couldn't look at them without being overwhelmed with sadness. This made me cry a little harder, but I removed them and placed them in the "My Baby's Heartbeat Lamb" box. I knew that they needed to come down to help us heal, but it still hurt. The last ultrasound picture is still the screensaver on my phone, though. I am not sure how long I can leave it there. I just know that right now I can't take that step.
I never knew if I believed in God before or not. Becoming pregnant made me find him. I had never talked to him.. but I started to. At first it was randomly when I was alone and soon it became every day while I was in the shower. This was my only real alone time and I felt like he deserved my attention while I could give it all. But now I am just angry. If there is a God he fucking hates me and I'm sending the feelings right back. Sorry to anyone who is religious. On the other hand, I found a few things on pinterest about how baby's taken early are special and too beautiful for earth.. so maybe I will come to terms with that and forgive God for taking our miracle from us.
There is so much more on my heart, but right now I just need to ease my heart and go lay with my love. I will give my tummy a few extra rubs tonight so that our baby knows how very much he/she was loved and wanted and is already missed. <3

And finally... my song to God:

"Say something, I'm giving up on you..."