They didn't give us copies, I just had Savier take pictures when the doctor left the room. These also aren't the best and don't show the best of what we saw, but it gives you an idea. So, the doctor was looking around in there for at least 3-5 minutes.. which is about 2.5-4.5 minutes longer than the last one which told us the baby wasn't progressing. But it looked SO much bigger than last time and this is the first time that we actually saw the baby connected to me. This made us both so uneasy. She said that it is making it's way down, which is why I started having cramping yesterday, but she wanted to talk about our options. She was so careful with her words during the whole thing.. especially when she talked about looking over the notes from Dr. Parker. Savier is completely convinced that the doctor was wrong and that our baby was fine until he told me to stop taking my medications. I just don't even know what to think. What I do know is that this is the first time I have seen what I saw and that it is way more than I ever expected. (Back track a little -- when I talked to the nurse last week I asked her what my lab results showed on that Monday and she said that all of my numbers were still really high and looked normal.. hcg was 6795!) My heart is broken. We were taken to another room to talk after the ultrasound and she gave us the three options of letting it happen naturally, using pills to force it to happen, or a d&c. I cried. I thought. We discussed. The doctor was very helpful and supportive of whatever we thought would be best for us. Our decision is to do the surgery. I have been waiting for it to happen naturally for a week. And the bleeding did not start until Thursday.. finally turning period-like today. I do not think that the pills would be good for me while I have to be at work. She said I would just see big clots, but I can't deal with that if I can't just be at home. The d&c is surgery... but it will be the easiest emotionally. As far as I'm concerned... I have been through enough in that department over the past seven days and surrendering is just best. I am happy that my little Avery has stayed inside of me this long though. I know that is kind of weird.. but it has given me time to process the fact that I have to let go. And I think that I am much more prepared for that now. So, Dr Torrealday had to call us after we left to let us know when the procedure could be scheduled for because the surgeons were in surgery and she couldn't talk to them right away. We were hoping for tomorrow, because I have been in a lot of pain, but it turns out that it is going to be on Friday. Honestly, I don't know if my body is going to wait that long. Right now it does not feel like it will. My heart hurts so badly, but I am very thankful that we were able to see our little angel today.
The doctor did talk about the future and her views on all of this. She said that she is happy to know that I can get pregnant, even though this is not the result that we wanted. At first, I used to tell everyone that if something bad happen, I would be sad, but I would also be happy to just know that it is possible for me to become pregnant, and that I would want others to view it that way, also. I just didn't know at that time how sad I really would be, though.
I have had such an amazing amount of love and support coming my way over the past week that I could not be more thankful for. It is hard being away from my entire support system aside from Savier, but we are managing. Some days are rougher than others and some moments just take me by surprise and completely take my breath away, making me fall to tears. But this is a process.. and the hardest one that we have ever had to face. One day I will see in color again. One day I will make it through without tears. One day.
I forgave God today. But "I'm sorry" is all I could manage to say. ='(
=( I'm thrilled you forgave God today..He will get you through this. Keep your head held high, Rodriguez family. Love you all!
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