Saturday, January 25, 2014

Life is beautiful.! =))

This one is probably going to be pretty long.. but the past five days have been the scariest and most emotional of my life.. so I don't want to miss anything important!
Monday.. 10 days after my IUI.. I woke up feeling terrible. I told Savier that it felt like I was getting my period and I went to the bathroom. As I sat there I started looking up the ways that I was feeling followed by "10dpiui" to see if this had happened to anyone else. When I set my phone down to wipe, my world stopped. I was bleeding. I immediately started bawling and walked out into the kitchen and just hugged Savier as he was making eggs. He asked me what was wrong and I could hardly even get the words out. He held me and told me that it could be a good thing.. but it just didn't feel good so I was very scared. I sat on the couch with a heating pad and began doing some more research. Within about an hour I was in so much pain that I could not stop crying. I had never felt cramps like that before and I could barely breath through the pain. I kept going to the bathroom and each time the blood was only there when I wiped and it wasn't very much. This made me feel like it could be implantation bleeding, but the cramps were telling me that this was just a really bad period starting. We had SO much to do that day, but ended up just sitting on the couch all day. By the early evening I felt much better and just had a light cramping feeling.
Tuesday when I went to the bathroom in the morning there was more blood. I was convinced that my period was here and had read that it is common for the drugs that I was on to make a period come up to 12 days early. I wasn't suppose to get it for another week and a few days if I wasn't pregnant. I was very sad and started calculating when my injections would start again, when my next IUI would be, and when my next two week wait would end! The next pregnancy test would be on Valentine's Day if I didn't get a period before then. I emailed and called my nurse to let her know what was going on. She said she was very sorry and that I should let her know if the bleeding increased the following day. She also asked if I had taken a home test and I said no, because she had told me not to due to false positives. After work that day Savier and I stopped at Bi-Lo to pick up tests. I had promised myself I wouldn't take one before a blood test, but I had to after all of this.
Wednesday morning I woke up and took a test. The second line to the plus sign did not come up right away so I set it on the ledge and jumped in the shower. Savier glanced at it when he woke up, but we just went on with our day. I told Natalie that I was still bleeding and she sent me a lab order to go have a blood pregnancy test done that day. If I needed to start injections again it needed to be by the end of the week and I needed to go to NC to get more, so answers were necessary! At lunch time I went to the lab to have these done and they told me that it would take awhile for the results because they had to drive my blood over to the Navy weapons station to test it. I was feeling very impatient and just wanted it to be over with so I could start my injections that night, so I drove to the Navy base  myself and just had them take the blood so that it went faster. They put ASAP stickers on it so that Natalie would receive the results right away. We had a commander's call that afternoon, but Savier was working on an emergency water break so he wasn't there with me. I walked out to go to the bathroom and when I did my phone started ringing. It was Natalie. She told me that they did the wrong test on my blood. Instead of a quantitative, they did a qualitative. Which means instead of sending her the amount of hCG in my blood, they just send her a positive or a negative. And it was a POSITIVE! I was in absolute shock. I was shaking and could barely even think! She asked how long ago it was since I took the trigger shot and I said 13 days. She said there is no way that could still be in my system, unless the levels are crazy low.. like a 4 or 5. She said she would call the lab and ask them to retest the blood and give her the number and then call me back. I texted Savier and told him and I stood out in the hallway in disbelief! She called back a few minutes later and said that they were doing the test and would give her the result very soon, but she needed to leave work by 4:30, so if they called after that she wouldn't be able to get back to me until the morning! I was a crazy mess. I could NOT wait until the morning! So I went and picked up Savier and we headed home. I looked at my phone about every minute and Savier kept telling me to stop. I was driving myself nuts. He was like "Wouldn't that be some shit if we got home and looked at the test from this morning and it was positive?!" We got home at 4:30 and the call hadn't come, but we went straight for that test. And there was totallllly a really faint line on it!! So I skyped my parents to freak out to them and started looking up the number to the naval lab so I could just ask for the results myself. As I was looking for it, Natalie called! "Hello" "Mrs. Rodriguez.. congratulations!" My levels were at 47.19! She said there was no way this isn't a true pregnancy and she gave me some instructions for dealing with the bleeding. She said I needed to go have more blood taken on Friday to make sure my levels are increasing and this is a healthy pregnancy. They look for the numbers to double, or at the least increase by 20-30%.
Thursday is a blur. I don't remember much. Except that my bleeding stopped around 4pm!
Friday I took another home test when I woke up and it was darker this time! Then I went to the lab as soon as it opened and had more blood taken! I emailed Natalie right away to let her know the results would be in the system soon! She called me a little while later and told me that my levels went up to 78.2! It wasn't quite double, but that was okay. It had been less than 48 hours, so that was expected. She told me that she was going to have me start using progesterone inserts 3x a day, taking baby aspirin, and prenatals! She gave me a phone number to the company that she was sending the order to for the progesterone and said to call them if they didn't call me by 4pm! She also told me that my due date, according to my trigger shot date will be October 5th! I am hoping this is a little off though! I called Savier, my mom, and my dad!! When Savier and I went out to lunch he called his mom and his older brother! I ended up having to call the Freedom Fertility company about the progesterone and he said it could be delivered by the following morning (today!). I was super stoked and said to send it asap! He then told me it was $629 for a month supply. And I need three months! I was like.. "Ahhhhhh, Natalie said it would be about $12 at the most." So I said I would call him back. I called back a little while later and a lady answered and I asked her to make sure that my insurance was in there. It was not! So she said that if they had a problem processing it they would call back. Savier and I went grocery shopping right after work and got the baby aspirin and prenatals but were still waiting on the answer about progesterone! When we got home my phone rang and the lady asked me to repeat my social security number to her because she thought someone had written it down wrong. So I did.. and about 30 seconds later she said it all went through and my copay was $0. The medication would be to our house in less than 24 hours! I was so relieved! Savier and I ended up napping after work, eating, skyping with his younger brother and his girlfriend to tell them, taking pictures for the thing I posted on here last night, and going right to bed!
This hardly even feels real, but we are SO happy! I can't believe our dream is finally coming true and that it all really worked on the first try! I have to go get more blood taken on Monday just to check the levels again, but my medication did arrive already and I have taken the first dosage. This is being used to help keep my lining in tact and prevent further bleeding! We can have an ultrasound in two weeks and I think that this is all just going to keep feeling unreal until then!! Aside from the fact that I can't stop eating and drinking water! =P
I have tons and tons of feelings and thoughts about this.. but I need to get my butt in gear and go get ready for the day! We are so thrilled to share this news, but we are not quite ready to have it all over the Facebook world yet! We aren't trying to hide it.. but we are going to Wisconsin in February and want my sister to take announcement photos for us to put on Facebook on Valentine's Day! So until then.. shhh! =) Inbox only ;) I am sure pretty much everyone will know by then. But I have too many announcement photo ideas to let them go to waste =P
I will write again soon when I have more time to talk about how much love we are feeling! <3
Until then... here is a picture of us on Wednesday! The day we first found out!
 And here are our home tests! The top one is Wednesday's and the bottom is Friday's! =)


Sunday, January 19, 2014

Four & a half more days to go..

So I had kind of decided that I didn't want to post anything.. because I have been driving myself crazy  over the past nine days. But one of the main points of this blog is to get my crazies out.. so here I go! 
First of all, I'll briefly go over the things that I have been physically feeling since my IUI, with a few random things added in. I didn't want to forget so I have a "note" in my phone with short little blibs of each day. 

Day of IUI: Bloated. Very "full" feeling. Exhausted. Constipated. Very bad cramps.
1 day post IUI: Same as the day before plus sore nipples. Started eating pineapple core for implantation. Apparently you are supposed to cut a pineapple in 5 slices and eat one a day starting on the day of IUI, so I cut it in four and started this day. The core is hard and kind of gross so I put it in the blender with some sour mix and ice and ate it with a spoon.
2dpiui: Bloated/full. Hungry to the point of pain (probably because the "full" feeling has been making me feel like I can't/shouldn't eat). Gassy. Opposite of constipated=/. Peeing a lot. Sore nipples. I took a bubble bath to try to feel better in the morning. The last song that came on before I got out (Pandora) was 1000 years. <3 (ps, it is not "favorited")
3dpiui: PT in the morning. I tried to walk on a treadmill but it was very very painful. Hurts to stand. Bad cramps. Sore nipples. Eating hurts from full feeling. The last song on Pandora as I was finishing getting ready for work was 1000 years. <3 (still not "favorited"!)
4dpiui: Whole boobs are sore and feel very firm. I thought I was feeling better until night time. Sharp pains. Sex is painful. Last day of pineapple! Full moon!
5dpiui: PT in the morning. Walked on treadmill for 25 minutes and bike for 15 minutes and it was painful. I realized I really need to listen to my body and not try to push through this. Cramps at night, not as strong as the night before. Gassy. Learned implantation can take up to about 10 days! Full moon!
6dpiui: Woke up with a headache. Feel like period is coming. Full moon!
7dpiui: PT in the morning. Walking on the treadmill felt fine! The whole day at work my boobs were SO sore that I was practically in tears... even without touching them, they were just throbbing. I called my mom and sister to complain because I literally felt like I couldn't function. Took a hot bath. Went to bed early. Full moon!
8dpiui: Wore a sports bra to try to help boob pain. Still very sore. Not as intense as day 7.
9dpiui: Boobs still very sore to the touch. 

Like always, I read five million forum boards as I worried about each of these things and apparently they are all very common. Nothing I saw on these said that anyone ever felt just totally fine and normal after going through this process. I think that this part is harder to deal with than the actual injections. Mostly because if the test comes back negative for some reason, I will feel like this was all just a cruel joke. I felt very very confident the day of the IUI, but it literally feels like that was about a month ago.. not a week! Every day that passes just takes a little bit of my hope with it. I know that I shouldn't feel this way and I have so much positivity surrounding me.. I think that I am just scared to get my hopes too high. 
Earlier this week I was telling my sister that I was considering taking a pregnancy test every morning until Friday. Natalie had told us that if I did that it would show positive for up to 12 days while the hCG shot is leaving my body, then it would go negative for a day or two, and then it would show the real result. But I think that the day or two of negative would kill me. And Jennisa also said that would be a bad idea. Then I said that I would just take one Friday morning before work so that I'm prepared if I have to hear that the blood test is negative and if it is positive, Savier will be there when I find out. But then Jennisa reminded me that I will still need to go to work if it is negative. And that would be hard. So I have decided that I will just wait for the result to be given to me through a phone call. Unless the lab will test the blood and tell me the hCG level before I leave. 
I'm scared. Thankfully I have somewhat of a busy day at work with meetings and trainings and such to maybe have time pass by a little quicker. And we have tomorrow off for MLK day! The last day before going back to work always seems to pass by quickly, so I'm hoping tomorrow is no different! 

This morning I woke up to a text message from my sister telling me that her water broke and she was in the hospital! I was SO excited that I couldn't go back to sleep! All day my mom was keeping me updated and fifteen minutes after she told me it was time to push, I got a picture of Jennisa holding her perfect little boy.. Logan Christopher Novitski! <3 I am so proud of my sister and overjoyed for her family!! I can't stop looking at the pictures of him and I can't help tearing up while I do. Life is just so amazing and I can't think of anyone more deserving of such perfection! Seeing glimpses of this special day makes me crave my own special day even more! I want to go home to see him more than anything!!! He wasn't due for two more weeks and our trip there is planned for three weeks from now! That way MaKayla and Alaina will be able to be their crazy selves together while we love on Logan! =) 

Only 4.5 more days until my test, 12.5 more days until we pick up MaKayla, and about 20.5 more days until we meet Logan! <3 So many things that many me anxious so close together!! Hopefully I make it to each of them with my sanity in tact! =)

Until Friday...

Friday, January 10, 2014

Trigger Shot & IUI.

Update time! =) Last night we did the trigger shot at about 9pm!

I have no idea why, but I was SO nervous for this one! The needle was a bit bigger and thicker, but I think the real reason that I was freaking out was because of what I heard the first time we were at the clinic at Fort Bragg. When we were sitting in the waiting room a couple walked out from being seen and the girl was carrying a little bag. It was the bag containing the trigger shot, only I had no idea at the time until I got my own. Her husband was walking a few stops ahead of her as she was complaining about the "huge" bruise that she got from the shot the last time she took it and how bad it hurt. My thoughts were "bruise.. hurt.. she had to take more than one?!.. shit!" Anyway..  this shot is an intramuscular one and can be given in the front of the leg or the upper butt region. We originally planned on the leg. I sat on a kitchen chair, looked the other way, and Savier went to stab it into me.. but it didn't go in! There was a little spot of blood, but it didn't go all of the way through, so I got even more nervous!! I told him I had to watch a video of this being done so that I knew what I was in for, so he let me pull up youtube and watch a video containing a very disgruntled appearing man giving his wife the shot. (You can find anything on there, it seems!) She got hers in the butt area and it looked like it went in easy, so we decided to change injection site. I sat backwards on the chair and he stabbed it right in! I hardly even felt the needle enter, but as soon as he started pushing the medication in I felt the burn! It stung so bad and as soon as he pulled the needle out it just felt like I got hit with a very fast moving softball! I started massaging it to relieve some discomfort and make sure the medication got in there alright.. and my whole butt cheek just felt paralyzed! (Side note - this post is going to contain some slightly personal and possibly gross information!) We went right to bed after that since my alarm was set for 4:30am!
This morning I made the long three hour drive while Savier slept until the last about 15 minutes of the ride! It was early and dark and rainy and crappy. But we made great time and arrived at Carolina IVF Labs for the sperm wash a few minutes before they opened their doors (more than a half hour earlier than our scheduled appointment, of course!). We filled out a bunch of paperwork and then Savier went back to make his deposit. When he was finished we waited for about 25 minutes for them to do the washing part. She came out with a test tube, a piece of paper with the results for us, and an envelope for us to give to the doctor at Womack (that is the hospital at Fort Bragg). She explained the result to us and told me to put the test tube in my bra to keep it upright and at body temperature until it was time for the IUI! His results were wonderful! She said that to do the IUI they want to have at least 10 million sperm. Before the wash his showed 106 million with 76% motility (strength/the ability to move.. how well of swimmers they are!). Post wash.. the final specimen that was now tucked away in my bra had 101.34 million sperm with 92% motility! 
There was one other girl at this clinic when we were there and she left a few minutes before us. When we got to the waiting room at Womack she was there also! The waiting room was very packed and we ended up sitting right next to her and catching a glimpse of her paper containing their results as she talked on the phone about how frustrated she was. Theirs only had 7 million sperm with motility somewhere in the 40s. I was so very sad for her. =( I swear we saw at least twenty-five pregnant women with all different sized bellies in that room while we waited. I do not know how many of them were a result of fertility treatments, but it just made me so hopeful (and slightly sad at the same time). I can't wait for that to be me <3
Once it was finally time for us to go back, Dori came to get us! She brought us to the room, told me to undress from the waist down, and said that they would be in within a few minutes. 
(How perfect of a quote for the wall of that room!)
When Natalie and Dori walked in together one of them said something about the fact that having both of them in the room made my chances for twins very likely ;) I asked if they had twins and they said no, but they have "helped" to create lots of them through the IUIs that they've done. Natalie's last IUI patient got pregnant with twins, so I'm trying to create a "twinning" streak for her =P I told them that I would love to have twins so that I will never have to go through this again (I really want four kids, but I would be satisfied with just two)! They mentioned my two good eggs and said it's possible! So, I gave Dori the test tube while Natalie got ready. The process was not anywhere near as bad as I thought it was going to be. I expected pain, but it was just fine! They use the same clamp that is used during a typical PAP and the catheter is very thin. Dori put the specimen in the tube while Natalie got the clamp situated. We had a slight delay (5-ish minutes) because my cervix was tilted sideways a little bit, but she just maneuvered the clamp to straighten it out. There was a slight cramp when the tube went through my cervix, but nothing major. Once it was in, it only took about 5 seconds for all of the spermies to be where they needed to be and we were all finished! They said that my cervical mucus looked very good which would be a huge help in making the sperm hold in place.. gross, I know. I needed to lay flat for about 20 minutes after, not really for a medical reason, just for the nurse's peace of mind. The sperm could not fall out once it was already past my cervix because the uterus is actually flat, so it "hugs" the sperm in there.. and the cervix stays tightly closed. This is what we watched on TV during that wait:
We had the choice of fish, a fireplace, or a lava lamp. And I chose the only logical option ;)
Natalie came back in to give me an order for a pregnancy test that I will need to bring to the clinic here in Charleston. I asked her how common it is for IUIs to work on the first try in their office and she said that it is not very, but that the two women that she has seen with the same condition as me both did get pregnant on the first try since the only thing that prevents us from becoming pregnant is the fact that we don't grow and release eggs... and the medications alone force that to happen! This made my hope-o-meter go up a little bit more=) I asked what will happen if this does not work the first time and she said that if my pregnancy test is negative I will get a period since my lining is built up now and I will start the shots again on day three of that. She did say that if I were to take a urine pregnancy test anytime during the next twelve days it would come back positive since my body is getting rid of the trigger shot.. which is just HCG. The blood test can't come back as a false negative, which is why that is scheduled for the 24th! She also wants me to go have one on the 27th just to verify levels and such (mostly if the first is positive). 
We left feeling pretty confident! I just want to stay positive although my heart know that it might shatter in about thirteen and a half days. When we were walking out of the hospital I told Savier that I know I will cry either way when we get the result, but I think I might cry even harder if it is positive! He agreed and reassured me that it is okay to be sad if things don't go our way, but that we have to stay happy about the fact that we at least finally know what is wrong with me, how to treat it, and that I will eventually get pregnant! 
I have so many emotions right now and I am very nervous for my sanity over the next two weeks. I am especially freaking out about the fact that the phone call from Natalie with the results will come while I am at work and Savier will not be there with me to share my tears of pain or joy (and my coworkers will see me unfold). This is going to sound super weird, but I used to not be able to picture myself pregnant. I used to think that it was just completely out of reach and I would look at myself and just be convinced that I would never have that beautiful round belly. I can see it now though. I see it on myself and it is the most perfect sight. I walked into our spare bedroom the other day to get something out of the closet and I pictured it filled with a crib and all of the baby essentials for the first time ever. It nearly took my breath away and it made my heart so very happy. <3
My body feels terrible, but my heart feels wonderful tonight. My right upper butt region just keeps getting more and more sore from that shot and the medication made me terribly constipated (TMI, I know.. but just in case you ever need to take it, you are now warned!). I am completely exhausted and I can't wait to crawl in bed with my love in a few minutes. I will make sure to update over my dreaded two week wait! I'm sure many crazy ideas and thoughts will pop up before then =)


"Well I've never prayed, but tonight I'm on my knees, yeah." <3

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Follicle Check!

Today was FINALLY our doctor appointment to check the progress of the medication! We got to Fort Bragg about an hour earlier than I had scheduled my appointment because I am crazy and always over prepare to avoid being even close to late! =) But I went to the lab first to have my blood work done and then headed over to the clinic. They got me in right away and my appointment was actually done by the scheduled time! I had the male doctor this time, Dr. Parker! He is the Reproductive Endocrinologist. He first looked at my lining and said that it measured at about 8mm (if I remember correctly!) and said that number is very good and that just shows how much estrogen is being produced by the ovaries! Then he moved to the first ovary and my heart sank. I don't know what I was expecting grown follicles to look like, but I didn't think that I saw anything in there.. until he started measuring on the screen!!! Then he moved to the second one.. and the same thing happened!! I literally was choking back tears.. again.. but this time they were the complete opposite kind of tears than they were last time! He said that they like the follicles to measure between 17 and 22 before they do the IUI. I had six follicles all together and they measured at 18, 16, 11, 11, 10, and 10! I can't even explain how happy I was when I heard these numbers. I can't even think about it without tears! So the doctor told me that the nurse would be in within a few minutes to talk to me about the next step! Natalie had stepped out, so we talked to Dori and she told us that her or Natalie would call us as soon as they got the results of my blood work back so that they knew when I could do the trigger shot and then she went over how to do that one with us. We stayed in the hospital for a little while while Savier caught up with an old friend who is stationed there and by the time we were walking out, Natalie was already calling me! She said that my estradiol was at 224 and anything over 200 is where we want to be! My natural level is like, 4! She said that we can do one more dose of the injections at the scheduled time tonight, do the trigger shot at 9pm tomorrow, and then come in Friday morning for the IUI!! The trigger shot forces me to ovulate 12-36 hours after it is given! I had to call the Carolina IVF Lab to schedule a sperm wash for Friday also which is set for 9am! A sperm wash is where Savier will provide a "sample" and they will separate all of the sperm out. They will give us the sperm and we will take it to the Fort Bragg clinic for the procedure! When we get there they will insert the sperm into me, past my cervix, with a catheter! Then comes the terrible two week waiting period. All I can do for those two weeks is hope and pray.. and then on the 24th I will have a blood pregnancy test done to see if it worked!! If it does not work, we will start this whole process again next month. I am trying to hard not to get overly excited... but I am just so excited! =P There is a great possibility that this could still fail.. I once saw a pin on pinterest that said "You thought IUI would work on the first try? That's funny!" I would post it.. but I never want to see it again so I am not going to go search for it! I would rather think positive than beat myself up over the statistics of everyone else's results. I drive myself crazy comparing myself and my results to everyone else's on the millions of forums out there.. but everyone is different and I know that it is stupid to expect my body to react the exact same way that someone else's did.
Savier and I discussed baby names in the car. Before today our choices were Grayson for our first boy and Hayden for our first girl! We still are keeping those names on our list.. but we have come up with a new name that we like.. for either a boy or girl.. and we think that we will use it for our first baby regardless of what it is (with different middle names respectively, of course)! Quinn=) We want a little Quinn! Shh.. don't tell anyone! ;)
My one worry today is announcing. I always thought I wouldn't tell anyone when I become pregnant until I make it through the first trimester. But my blog will know right when it happens.. so you will know also! Honestly, I don't want to hide it. For any amount of time. I will want to scream it from a roof top, tell every stranger I see, and run around like a giddy teenager who just had her first kiss. My situation is not the "norm" by any means, so I feel like I don't have to follow the unwritten 12 week rule either. I guess I will just hope nobody who reads my blog posts on Facebook about it until I decide it is the right time!
I am so appreciative of every message and comment I have gotten, wishing me well and those who have shared a little piece of themselves with me in the process! I originally did not plan on making this blog public until after I actually became pregnant. I had only told two people about it before somebody asked me to post my blogs on Facebook, and I just decided that I had nothing to lose by gaining support! I am gaining weight and it is not because I am married and "comfortable". I have been saying "we are trying" since July without a result and it sounds odd after awhile if there is no explanation. I am not ashamed of this terrible hand that I was dealt and I just don't think that it needs to be a secret. I am hurting and hiding it from the world only hurts worse. I am so thankful for you.. and your prayers.. and every ounce of encouragement along the way!!
One day my Quinn will see this.. and he/she will know exactly how badly they were wanted and loved before they even existed. <3 But until then, I will continue trying to earn future brownie points with him/her ;)
I will post again on Friday after we get back from North Carolina! <3

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Day 1 of injections.

Today was the day we started the huge step in our journey! I was suppose to start the injections yesterday, but I realized that I wasn't given injection needles for the Menopur so I had to wait until today so that I could go buy some. Here are all of my supplies:
So I got all ready.. and at the last second I yelled for Savier and asked him to do it for me. I hate needles and I just couldn't do it to myself. The needles are very small and thin... but I still don't want to watch it go into my stomach. The Menopur stung, like I read it would. The Gonal-F was fine. I thought that actually taking the shots would make me very emotional, but the only thing I have really been feeling is anxious. I hope so badly that they work the first time. 

As for all of my crazy emotions and thoughts that I said I would get into in the last post.. here they go.
First of all, my body. I have been extremely flat chested all of my life and even planned on getting implants when I returned from my deployment in 2012, until I decided to spend the money on braces instead at the last minute (thank goodness!). I was very self conscious about my boobs for so long, but when I started getting in good shape with Figarelle's Fitness, I learned to love it. I loved my small body. Every single part of it. It took me almost 23 years to feel comfortable in my own skin and to have 100% confidence. If you looked at my fitness blog that I referenced in my last post, you saw photos of me from then. If you didn't, here are a few:

I was so little. And so happy. During this time I decided that I would love to be in a fitness competition one day. I'm beginning to accept that this will have to wait until after I'm completely done having babies, of course. I got in the habit of using MyFitnessPal and I was eating 1200 calories a day. 35% protein 35% carbs 30% fat. It was easy as pie and fun. I have since increased my calories to 1500 and left the macros the same. Three hundred extra seems like so much to me, especially on days that I work out and end up having to eat nearly 2000. I still might not be at the amount my body needs, but I didn't want to do too huge of a jump right away. 
I am starting to see signs of fat on myself and its hard.. very hard. I don't feel beautiful when I look in the mirror anymore (I do realize that I am sounding ridiculous, but I can't help it). My bras leave indentions in my skin when I take them off, I am developing a "crater" in my right thigh, and I see weird creases by my armpit when I put my arms down to the side. My face is always the first thing to show signs of weight gain and its here in full force. I have not dyed my hair since I was about 16 years old, but two days ago I made a trip to the salon. I needed a change and this actually helped a lot! 
It's not TOO drastic.. but it's different and it makes me happy! Right now, its the little things.
Last month I told Savier that I was afraid that he isn't going to think that I am beautiful anymore as I gain weight and he reminded me that I was "fat" when he fell in love with me =). He is very supportive of me gaining weight right now, which is very helpful.. but I still feel some type of way about it. Okay... enough about my body. You get the picture that I am upset, frustrated, and slightly disgusted every time that I look in the mirror. 
Instagram/Facebook/Pinterest.... pretty much everything that I "follow" or have "liked" are fitness and nutrition pages. I have not even been going on Instagram because of this. Each time that I am on one of these, I get upset to the point of tears. I am making the conscious decision to unfollow/unlike all of these pages temporarily. It makes me beat myself up on a daily basis and I need to eliminate stress and unhappiness everywhere that I can. I am absolutely going to save the names of these pages somewhere for future reference though=) I get especially frustrated when I see things that I used to post. I was all about motivational photos and such (as you can tell from my old blog). I can across this the other day....
and I was absolutely irate. I know that it isn't anyone else's fault that my body is doing this.. and I can't blame people for being uneducated about it. My body can't stand anything. My mind was convinced it could and it hurt me.. it set me back even further than I already was. I do find comfort and joy in finding infertility photos on pinterest though.. like these:
Another thing.. relating to two of the past things is that Savier is very into fitness now. He is all about lifting and eating healthy and he wants to compete also.. only not after I have babies;). I love that we got into all of this together, but right now I feel left out. I am jealous of his dedication to the gym although I am so happy for him and his progress. Sometimes when I see him on Facebook or Instagram and these ripped and sexy girls are all over the pages that he also follows, I feel sad and so broken. Again, I know that this is ridiculous and that he loves me and will no matter how "out of shape" I get during this process. It is just a reminder of where I could be in my fitness life. By the way.. he is sexy as hell and is doing soooooo amazing with his fitness! <3
Next point/emotion/craziness. One thing that I used to not understand was when I read things like "Don't be offended if your infertile friend declines an invite to your baby shower. Although it is a joyous time in your life and she is truly happy for you, attending this event will truly be hell on earth for her." I always thought this was selfish. But I am starting to feel it. It really isn't that we are unhappy about the person we love being pregnant. It is just a harsh reminder of what we cannot have and all of the emotions that go along with it. It's not just baby showers.. but that is a good example that I read a lot during my extensive hours of infertility research. I do hate that I feel this way about some of these situations, but I guess it was just unavoidable. 
Next. I am also starting to become bitter about some other people having babies. I see people becoming pregnant who are not in serious relationships, without a job, partiers, druggies, and on and on. It makes me SO angry. I do not wish bad on anybody and I hope that they all have wonderful pregnancies and 100% healthy babies... but damn it! Life is just so unfair. 

I just complained a lot. But it was necessary. I know that I already am a mother to MaKayla, but I just want to be a full time mother to a child that is 100% mine and my husband's. All of my life I have known that I was just meant to be a mommy. I absolutely love everything about waking up to a little voice whispering "mommy" and climbing in my bed, rushing around in the morning to get more than just myself ready, spending more time on someone else's appearance for the day than my own, playing with little kid toys, singing in the car to every kid song you can imagine, acting silly, doing things adults would think are absolutely stupid just to see a little smile and hear a little giggle, sitting by the bathtub well after it has become cold because someone is still busy sitting in it coloring and playing with bubbles, reading bedtime stories, little arms hanging around my neck until the person they belong to is fast asleep, and soooo much more. I live for this stuff, I really do. If I could make being a mother a job, I would do it in a heartbeat. I always tell Savier that my dream is to be a stay at home mommy. I do know that this is not realistic in today's world.. but if I had the option, I would absolutely take it without question. 
I need to learn more patience and more acceptance. I am so happy that the process is started, but I am so scared for my first follicle check next week. Hope for the best, expect the worst. Deep breath in, deep breath out. I've got this. I will get through it and I will be a better and stronger person. And eventually, I will become pregnant and my dreams will come true. <3
I will update after my ultrasound next week.