Saturday, March 29, 2014

Breathe in.. Breathe out..

I know that I haven't written in a while.. but my emotions have been all over the place and I am never sure if I want to write on a good day or bad. =/ Stupid.. I know.
For the past two weekends our family has been going to church. My friend, Rachel, goes to a Christian church called Sea Coast and after looking into it, it seemed like exactly what we needed. On our first day there, we found that it is everything and more. <3 I have never been a real church goer. I always wanted to be when I was a kid and would even walk up the street to Holy Redeemer with McKenzie when her parents would force her to go. My parents did not make me and they didn't go.. so it was just never a part of my life. I think a lot of the reason that I never pursued religion in my adult life is because I knew that I didn't connect with the Catholic church and I wasn't really sure where my beliefs fell.
This church is huge and so wonderful. They have a program set up where each age group has classrooms, so the kids can be dropped off to attend their own little teaching while the adults go to the main area. When checking them in, a sticker prints to place on the child and another for the parents to keep and they contain matching numbers. In the main service room, there are little screens up by the speakers and if a child needs something or something happens to them, their number will appear so that the parents can discreetly leave to go by them. MaKayla absolutely loves it there, so of course, her number never pops up! Last week she did beg us to let her come sit with us, though. She promised to be quite.. but as soon as we brought her to her classroom, she was happy as a clam!
The first week, the message was about timing. I felt like the pastor was speaking directly to me and I couldn't hold back tears. There was a section of the service when everyone could go write down a prayer and pin it to the cross to be blessed on the following Tuesday at their prayer group or everyone could go light a candle for someone who needed prayers. I pinned a prayer to the cross.. for Avery, of course. <3 Last week the message was about coming clean with sins.. not holding things in.. all of that good stuff. I absolutely love this church. It is really helpful to me and I finally really trust that God is taking perfectly good care of my little angel until I am able to step in and show him what a wonderful Mommy he would have had here on earth. I am sure he already knows though. I know he is watching me and allowing me to make it through each day.
Looking back at the past almost four weeks, I honestly don't know how I have made it to today. I guess it is true that you can keep going long after you think you can't. My heart still physically hurts and sometimes I can't even catch my breath. Sometimes I wonder if there are even any tears left. But it doesn't take long for me to realize that there are more. There are always more. Some moments they come hard and fast and hot... right after I thought  just maybe I'd caught my breath enough to grasp at some composure. But composure isn't meant for this. It is meant for job interviews, for speeches, maybe even for court rooms. Composure isn't meant for mothers who are facing the death of their child and their dreams.
I have been thinking a lot about my due date. I've also been staring at myself in the mirror wondering how much more my stomach would be sticking out if Avery was still growing. Another thing that I have been doing is becoming increasingly in tune with my body. I've started having headaches again every single day. I know that a symptom of amenorrhea is headaches, but I never really thought too far into it. My body felt perfectly amazing while Avery was here. There are so many things associated with this sucky condition that are a part of my life.
Another thing that has been really eating away at me is the word "miscarriage". I've said it at least a hundred times and I have typed it at least 500. Every single time, it makes me cringe. I did not miscarry Avery. He died. I carried him perfectly. I did everything that I was suppose to. To misplace something means to put it in the wrong place and lose it temporarily because of this. So does to miscarry something mean that you carry it wrongly?! I carried him to the best of my body's ability and I lost him forever.
Even as I sit here overcome with grief, I can still smile at how our baby was conceived. We fought for him.. put in a great amount of time, pain, and love.. we prayed.. we had the greatest of intentions and the greatest of plans.. and heaven sent down a whisper and a nudge. Avery was always, always meant to be. I cannot understand how he wasn't meant to be for longer, but I do know that he was forever meant to be. <3
As far as our next attempt goes... it's still on hold. And I am feeling very defeated over the situation. I thought that I would be able to start again this past week, but my hcG level was still at 7.3. And now I don't know if we will even be able to start again right away because I have to go to Missouri for work for two weeks in the beginning of May. It is looking like I will have to wait until I get back from there in order to make the dates line up right with the monitoring and insemination and everything. =(
I am hoping we can figure out a way to complete the process before I leave.. but it's really the doctor's call.

On another note, MaKayla left today. This obviously makes me feel even more empty. My entire world really does revolve around that little girl. She wasn't even gone for five minutes when the emptiness set in and I wondered what in the world I am supposed to do with my time. I can't even begin to explain how much she fills my life and how perfect of a pair we are. I seriously have no idea how to fill my time between work and bed without her... or my weekends. =( I could go on and on and on.. but it is already known that I feel deeply and I love intensely. Only nine weeks until she is back in my arms. <3

Oh life.. you are so so hard.


Friday, March 14, 2014

This one may get a little personal. . .

The Friday that I feared so much did not turn out how I imagined it would. In a good way.
On Wednesday when I got home from work there was something in the mail for me from Amazon. Savier asked what I ordered and I told him nothing right before opening it. It was the book "Love You Forever" with a gift note from my wonderful friend, Jennie Repass and her family. <3 (I posted this article this week: http://moms.popsugar.com/Truth-Behind-Love-You-Forever-31923286) I set it on the counter and started walking across the living room when I felt something happen. And I just knew. I ran/hobbled to the bathroom where Savier was and just started saying, "I'm scared, I'm scared." and he had no idea what was going on. I told him it was happening and he asked if I was sure. I sat on the toilet and heard a 'plunk'. I told him I couldn't look and asked him to. He just started nodding his head. I just sat there and cried and had no idea what to do next. His first reaction was "flush it", which I think I have mentioned on here that I knew I just wouldn't be able to do. I ended up sitting there for at least 20 minutes thinking, researching, and talking with Savier about how to handle this. I knew I had to take our baby out.. I just didn't know how I would react to actually doing it. Savier said he couldn't be in there and that he felt like he would vomit, so he just went and got me a spoon and container. I took the baby out and examined what was actually there. This didn't gross me out even a little bit like I had thought it would. It was actually very amazing. The baby inside the sac with the chord still attached all came out in whole. I texted my sister to tell her and express my (what I felt like were) crazy thoughts and emotions. I washed everything off to see if I could see through the sac, but it wasn't very clear. Savier and I talked about burying it and then Jennisa and I talked about the same thing. She agreed that she would not be able to just dispose of or flush it, but Savier did not like the idea of burying it at someone else's house (we are renting this home) where we will not live forever. I spoke with Jennisa for quite some time to ease my mind and she even loves little baby Avery enough to have wanted to see him/her <3 (I will probably start referring to Avery as him.. because I just feel like our baby is a boy). Alaina saw a picture and said it was disgusting, before Jennisa told her it was amazing. She kept repeating it so Jennisa told her that it is my baby. She asked if she could see Nikki's baby again and then said "Hi baby!". Jennisa told her that my baby had to go buhbye and she said "Yeah, but she'll (the baby) be home soon. Poor Nikki. Poor Poor Nikki. Alaina make her feel better?" When Jennisa told me all of this I couldn't help but cry (even more). For one, I wished so badly that Alaina really could be here to make me feel better... and two, I knew that she was right. My little angel is home. <3 Not the home that I ever hoped he would have. His home is supposed to still be my womb. But he is home. 
Later Wednesday night I continued reading the book "Heaven is for Real" as I laid my head on Savier's lap. I just so happen to be on the chapter titled "Two Sisters" where the little boy who went to heaven, Colton, tells his parents that he has two sisters, not one. He goes on to explain that he met the baby who died in his mom's tummy. He said that God adopted her. His mom asks what she looked like and Colton says that she looks a lot like his older sister, Cassie, just smaller and with dark hair. She then asks what the little girl's name is. Colton says, "She doesn't have a name. You guys didn't name her."Which was true. The couple had agreed on a boy name, but not a girl name. And since they didn't know if it was a boy or girl when the miscarriage took place, they just didn't pick any name. Colton tells his mom, "She said she can't wait for you and Daddy to get to heaven." 
This made me fall to pieces. I had to stop reading in the middle of the chapter and set the book aside for the night to contain my emotions. It also made me feel so so happy about the fact that we chose a name for our little angel. I think you can all tell how this book has changed me and my views. 
So, I emailed my nurse Thursday morning and told her that I was 99.9% sure that I passed everything the previous day. She talked to the doctor and they said that I should be there at 7:30am on Friday (today) to have an ultrasound and make sure. If there was anything left I would still need to go through with the scheduled surgery and be to the next appointment at 8:00. This morning we did the ultrasound, and as I expected, my womb is now empty. There is a lining, of course, but there doesn't appear to be any tissue left. They had me get blood taken to check my levels and my hCG is all the way down to 149. In order to confirm miscarriage, I would have had to bring the baby to be sent to pathology and not get it back afterwards, or we can keep doing labs until we see the hCG below 5. We are doing the blood work, because I am not okay with our child becoming medical waste. 
All day Thursday I was looking into the possibility of having Avery cremated. I did not know if it was possible since he is only about an inch or two big, though. I felt a little crazy, but it seems that a lot of people have the same thoughts or actually have it done. I contacted a funeral home/crematory in town and heard back from them this morning (last night, but I went to bed early and didn't see it until this morning). They were very nice and very helpful. They said that they absolutely deal with this and do it free of charge. They even offered to pick the baby up if they need to. While researching all of this, I also started looking into urn pendants. After hearing that they could do this for us, I ordered one. 
I think that it is pretty discreet and it is just perfect. <3 It will be engraved with ACR. 
We brought Avery to the funeral home today and filled out the paperwork for his cremation. It felt so odd to be doing this, but so so right. When I gave him to the man after completing the paperwork and speaking about urns, he took him into the back to store him until cremation can take place, but he also looked at the size to address my concerns. He came back and told me that he thinks there will be more ash than will fit in the urn I purchased and asked what we would like to do with any extra. I was very surprised. I had even told him that it was alright to cremate him in a small box or something to ensure there would be something there to take home (like I read many people have to do). This did make me feel even better about the process though. We decided that we will just order another small pendant that Savier will be able to wear so that our baby is always with each of us. <3 It was very sad for me to leave knowing this is really it, but the people we worked with made me feel very comfortable and I am 100% positive that we made the right decision. 
Yesterday my friend, Rachel Brown, came to visit me at work and she brought me a gift! It was super sweet and I am just so blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life. At first I was so worried that people wouldn't understand my pain and they would just view it was an unfinished baby that did not mean much to the world.. but nobody has made me feel that way. Everybody has been so great to us and I couldn't be more thankful. <3
From here, we will wait until the lining in my uterus sheds to start again. Once all bleeding stops, I can start taking birth control in order to get a normal period and we will start the injections with that one. We will have a baseline ultrasound done before any shots are given, though, to make sure everything looks healthy and ready to support a baby if the procedure works. I won't know when this will all happen until that day is here, but that is alright. 
I can't wait until we have our baby back and I can keep him close to my heart. Maybe that is weird to some people.. but that is okay. To me, it is nothing other than perfect. My heart is still so heavy, but I feel myself gaining strength. Some moments, it all disappears, but thats fine. I am doing okay. I am not doing great; I'm not wonderful; I'm not horrible; I am just okay. And that is okay. 


Monday, March 10, 2014

Doctor's appointment.

I had a doctor's appointment today. We go to see Dr. Torrealday this time instead of Dr Parker, which made us both very happy. We did an ultrasound to see if the baby is still in there (which I already knew the answer to) and we were completely shocked at what we saw.

They didn't give us copies, I just had Savier take pictures when the doctor left the room. These also aren't the best and don't show the best of what we saw, but it gives you an idea. So, the doctor was looking around in there for at least 3-5 minutes.. which is about 2.5-4.5 minutes longer than the last one which told us the baby wasn't progressing. But it looked SO much bigger than last time and this is the first time that we actually saw the baby connected to me. This made us both so uneasy. She said that it is making it's way down, which is why I started having cramping yesterday, but she wanted to talk about our options. She was so careful with her words during the whole thing.. especially when she talked about looking over the notes from Dr. Parker. Savier is completely convinced that the doctor was wrong and that our baby was fine until he told me to stop taking my medications. I just don't even know what to think. What I do know is that this is the first time I have seen what I saw and that it is way more than I ever expected. (Back track a little -- when I talked to the nurse last week I asked her what my lab results showed on that Monday and she said that all of my numbers were still really high and looked normal.. hcg was 6795!) My heart is broken. We were taken to another room to talk after the ultrasound and she gave us the three options of letting it happen naturally, using pills to force it to happen, or a d&c. I cried. I thought. We discussed. The doctor was very helpful and supportive of whatever we thought would be best for us. Our decision is to do the surgery. I have been waiting for it to happen naturally for a week. And the bleeding did not start until Thursday.. finally turning period-like today. I do not think that the pills would be good for me while I have to be at work. She said I would just see big clots, but I can't deal with that if I can't just be at home. The d&c is surgery... but it will be the easiest emotionally. As far as I'm concerned... I have been through enough in that department over the past seven days and surrendering is just best. I am happy that my little Avery has stayed inside of me this long though. I know that is kind of weird.. but it has given me time to process the fact that I have to let go. And I think that I am much more prepared for that now. So, Dr Torrealday had to call us after we left to let us know when the procedure could be scheduled for because the surgeons were in surgery and she couldn't talk to them right away. We were hoping for tomorrow, because I have been in a lot of pain, but it turns out that it is going to be on Friday. Honestly, I don't know if my body is going to wait that long. Right now it does not feel like it will. My heart hurts so badly, but I am very thankful that we were able to see our little angel today. 
The doctor did talk about the future and her views on all of this. She said that she is happy to know that I can get pregnant, even though this is not the result that we wanted. At first, I used to tell everyone that if something bad happen, I would be sad, but I would also be happy to just know that it is possible for me to become pregnant, and that I would want others to view it that way, also. I just didn't know at that time how sad I really would be, though. 
I have had such an amazing amount of love and support coming my way over the past week that I could not be more thankful for. It is hard being away from my entire support system aside from Savier, but we are managing. Some days are rougher than others and some moments just take me by surprise and completely take my breath away, making me fall to tears. But this is a process.. and the hardest one that we have ever had to face. One day I will see in color again. One day I will make it through without tears. One day. 
I forgave God today. But "I'm sorry" is all I could manage to say. ='(

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Dear Avery. . .

Dear my sweet little angel,

Daddy and I finally chose a name for you yesterday. We are going to call you Avery Cole! =) I know that it fits you perfectly, even though I have not been able to see your beautiful little face. I want you to know that you are so very missed already. I know that you are still with me for a little while longer and that you will be right in my heart for every moment after, but I feel so empty. You were the light in my life for the nine short weeks that you grew inside of me. I have never been happier than the days when Daddy and I were planning your future. And what a beautiful future it was going to be. We made big plans and were so ready to tend to your every need. We even planned on making big life changes so that you would be able to spend your first year close to our family and not have to feel their love from a distance. Well, since both sides of your family live in different states you were still going to have to experience some distance loving until we were able to make our visits, but all of the family wanted to be a part of your life so very badly.

The last few days have been rough. I know you see me struggling and I am so sorry that some of your first memories of me have to be such sad ones. I hope that you understand. Friday was the first day that I made it through without completely breaking down. Thank you for giving me that strength. The fact that you have gone away has completely consumed me and I cannot function for a moment without you on my mind. It feels like the physical laws of the universe have been violated. I needed you far more than I need the very oxygen I breathe; yet you are gone and my lungs keep working. My breath is like a betrayal and it squeezes my chest worse than anything else ever could. I am suffocating in sadness. Maybe one day I will be able to take each breath and simply living won't hurt like this anymore. Maybe one day it will not feel like my heart is going to pound right out of my chest as it struggles to stay in one piece.

You never got the chance to become a part of our daily routine and to the outside world it is almost like you never existed. But you, my little love, are my very heart. You are my first child. You made me a biological mother. You were the first being to ever fill my womb. You will never be replaced.

I'm already learning to be grateful for good moments. My smile is not a betrayal to you and I know that you love to see it just as much as I love to feel it. The other day I laughed and your daddy told me how nice it was to see that look on my face. The look that hasn't been there since the days before I found out that you are an angel. A smile barely left my face while you were here. I hope you heard all of the words that I said to you back then just as loudly as you can hear them now.

Your big sister misses you so much, too. She asks me about you a lot. Every night before I leave her room after reading her a story and tucking her in, she asks if she can give you a kiss. I hope you feel it when she kisses my belly. A few nights ago she wouldn't stop hugging you and she laid her head against the very spot where you should be growing and said "I still just love the baby so much!" She is a little sad that we did not name you Quinn Aurora, but her feelings for you are the same regardless of what your name is!

I just keep trying to remember that every day that passes does not bring me further from you.. it is actually one day closer to finally holding you in my arms and looking into those eyes that I know are the most beautiful things I will ever see. I still can feel you, baby. I know that you are close. Fly pretty, my love, and I will see you on the other side. I cannot wait until that day. Avery Cole Rodriguez, my heart will never be complete without you. I love you with everything I have left of me. Watch over us and please guide us through this terrible time. I'll be seeing you. <3

Your Mommy.

p.s. -- I'm not afraid anymore, sweetheart. And it used to be my biggest fear. <3

Monday, March 3, 2014


Well, there is no easy way to start this.. so here it goes. It is with an extremely heavy heart that I have to announce that we are no longer expecting a child. We went to the doctor this morning and he said that unfortuantely he didn't see what he should be seeing at this point. There was no heartbeat and I couldn't even really tell what we were looking at. It didn't look like it did last time. =( He told me that I could get dressed and he would come back to talk to us some more. I was numb and I didn't know what to do. I was trying SO hard to hold back my tears, but when he came in I could barely speak. He went through the statistic and said that there is nothing that I could have done to prevent this, but I just hate that answer. He asked what we wanted to do and gave us a timeline. We said that we want to start the process again whenever we can and he suggested that I try to pass the baby naturally because a D&C can lead to more miscarriages in the future. After that he wants me to take birth control for a month to get a period and then we can start injections on day 3 of that cycle. Am I going to be ready by then!? I have no idea. I want to be. But right now I feel like my entire world has stopped and I don't want it to restart again. Right now my baby is still inside of me. It may not have a beating heart or growing limbs.. but I have a limited amount of time left before I have to let him/her go and I am absolutely terrified. How do I say goodbye? How do I move on? How do I be the mother of a tiny little angel? How do I not feel guilty when I do get pregnant again? Will my baby know that I am not just trying to replace him/her? Because that is just not possible. Will this happen again? Are the doctors wrong when they say that this isn't my fault? I have a million questions that I have no freaking clue how to answer. Maybe it's morbid that I don't want our baby to come out.. but I can't help it. I am mostly scared. I'm terrified that it will happen at work and I will just lose my shit. Not that I will have myself together the way that it is.. but still. If it comes out in one piece how do I just flush it down the toilet? Is that weird? Probably..  I'm a freaking disaster.
I cried nearly the whole three hour drive home. I talked to my sister for a few minutes and wished so badly that she wasn't so far away, because all I wanted was for her to reach through the phone and hug me. When we got here I cried in Savier's arms for a few minutes and then I went to lay down. I just needed a few minutes of relief from the pain, but I woke up with tears already running down my cheeks. I didn't even know that was possible. On the ride home I deleted all of my pregnancy apps. Right after I got a reminder that I should be 9 weeks pregnant. It deepened the wound a little more, but I had to do it. I also went on Pinterest. Which hurt. A lot. I can't bring myself to make a "loss" board, so I just started pinning things on one of my old secret boards that was originally meant for wedding things. It helps me though. It helps me to understand my feelings and know that they are okay and normal.
MaKayla has known that something is wrong all day. At first she thought that I was crying because I had blood taken and she assumed my arm hurt. I couldn't even muster up the words to tell her right away. I just kept telling her that I was sad. Before my nap I told her that the baby wasn't alive anymore, but I don't think she really understood. She just said "You can cry in my bed." While I was giving her a bath I was crying again and she asked why I was sad. She asked if it is because the baby is growing and I told her that the baby isn't growing any more. she asked why and I told her that the baby died. She asked if it was still in my belly and I told her yes, but it will not be for long. She hugged me and said "It's okay, because I am here!" She truly has been concerned as she watches me cry and I hate that she does have to see me this way. But I can't pretend.
I know that the worst is yet to come. And that feeling alone makes me feel like I am going to vomit. I have felt like I was going to vomit since the moment I left the doctor's office though. My body still feels and looks pregnant. Which makes it even harder. I read that a lot of times a woman's body does not recognize that the baby has died and it keeps acting pregnant until the womb is emptied. When I got home from the doctor's there was a box by our door... containing my mamamio belly butter, oil, and hormonal control face wash that I ordered. I didn't even open it.. I just put it right in the "baby room". After I put MaKayla to bed Savier said that we had to take the ultrasounds off of the fridge because he just couldn't look at them without being overwhelmed with sadness. This made me cry a little harder, but I removed them and placed them in the "My Baby's Heartbeat Lamb" box. I knew that they needed to come down to help us heal, but it still hurt. The last ultrasound picture is still the screensaver on my phone, though. I am not sure how long I can leave it there. I just know that right now I can't take that step.
I never knew if I believed in God before or not. Becoming pregnant made me find him. I had never talked to him.. but I started to. At first it was randomly when I was alone and soon it became every day while I was in the shower. This was my only real alone time and I felt like he deserved my attention while I could give it all. But now I am just angry. If there is a God he fucking hates me and I'm sending the feelings right back. Sorry to anyone who is religious. On the other hand, I found a few things on pinterest about how baby's taken early are special and too beautiful for earth.. so maybe I will come to terms with that and forgive God for taking our miracle from us.
There is so much more on my heart, but right now I just need to ease my heart and go lay with my love. I will give my tummy a few extra rubs tonight so that our baby knows how very much he/she was loved and wanted and is already missed. <3

And finally... my song to God:
"Say something, I'm giving up on you..."