Monday, April 28, 2014

Here we go again!

It's been quite some time! I've had wonderful days and I've had tough days. Just like we all knew I would continue to do. The bad day that sticks out the most happened about two weeks ago. I was on my way home at lunch time to let the puppies out. 

I turned on the song "I Will Carry You" By Selah. Olivia told me about it a few days earlier and it is just such a perfect song! But this particular day it just made me crumble. I knew it would before I turned it on, but I just needed it. Prepare yourself before you press play if you have an angel baby. <3

I proceeded to turn on a miscarriage playlist on youtube afterwards and just continued to cry. The whole way home. As terrible as it felt at the time, I felt the biggest wave of relief when it was over. 

Church has been wonderful. Most Sundays I can't get to the end of a service without tears filling me eyes, but that is okay. This past Sunday was something amazing happened. Savier and I have been going to the early service at 8:30am, because we have had the Inside Track class at 10am. This week we stayed out a little late on Saturday night so we decided to sleep a little later than normal and go to the 11:30 service after class. Between class and the service I asked Savier to go get us seats while I went to the bathroom. When I got back he was talking to an older woman who was sitting in front of him. When I sat down she said they were just talking about me and introduced herself as Kathy. We chitchatted until the band started playing. One of the last things Pastor Greg said during the service was "Don't give up, don't give in. Look up because God is at work." And that was exactly what I needed to hear. When the service was over and the band had finished playing everyone started to file out, but Kathy turned around to talk to us again. I don't remember what she first said, but then she asked us if we needed anything. I said that we didn't and we were just going to go to the foyer to sign up for the married couple small groups. She said she would be happy to help us with anything we need even if it is just as simple as prayer. I smiled as I choked back tears and Savier told her that prayers would be appreciated. She asked if we wanted to share and pray with her right there. I still can't tell people about it, especially in moments where I am already choked up, so Savier told her that we are about to start a round of fertility treatment after losing our first baby. She was so sad for us and asked if anyone had ever prayed over me. I said no and she asked if I minded her getting in my face. She came around and sat next to me and put one arm around me and rested her other hand on mine. I can't remember exactly what she said.. but whatever it was was absolutely perfect. I sat with my eyes closed as tears poured over both of our hands. Afterwards she gave me her card and asked me to keep in touch with her. She said something about being the crazy grandma. =) I absolutely adore her and will definitely keep in touch! She reminded me a lot of my actual grandma, which was really nice! I know God sent her to me. I know we went to that service for a reason. I just know. <3

I have always despised the saying that everything happens for a reason.. but I am starting to trust in it.  If you're not religious, this might be weird for you and you might think I am crazy, but I accept that. I think that God took Avery in order to help me find Him. I've never been a Christ follower before. I have never cared about religion. I have never felt His love. When Avery was taken from us, I searched for Him as I searched for reason. And I found him. God knew how to wiggle His way into my life. <3

Today Savier and I went to Fort Bragg. We had a baseline ultrasound and everything looked "quiet". My lining was very thin and my ovaries are empty. This was good news and we were told to come down to the office to get the injections! Turns out, last time when I was taking two shots every night, I could have only been taking one! They just didn't give me the mixable pack last time. I was quite excited to learn that I would only need to have one needle in my tummy each night this round! =) We talked about a timeline and Natalie said that she would call me after my lab results came back to verify the plan! I asked about PT and Dori said that I cannot do anything that will make my pony tail wiggle. She wrote out a profile for me which says the only things I am allowed to do are bike, walk, swim, and elliptical. It goes into more detail and one of the things it says it that I am not allowed to be officially weighed by the military. It mentions a 15 pound gain over the course of treatment. I didn't gain that last time so I am hoping I don't this time either! So, I went to the lab to have blood drawn and the girl took one tube instead of two and ended up having to stick me twice. I was sad. I hate needles. I didn't let her know that I was sad though. ;)

Natalie called on the way home, but I get crappy service on parts of that drive, so it never rang. She left a message saying that everything looked "quiet" in that area also and that she wanted me to go ahead and start the injections today. She said that she scheduled me to come back on Friday at 9am for a follicle check! So Savier gave me the first shot at 8:00 tonight! I am feeling hopeful. I know that time is going to feel like it is going very slow for the next few weeks, but we will make it! I told Savier on the way home that I want to paint the baby room this week. We have a week break from school so I figured it would be the perfect time. I don't want to do anything iffy when I get pregnant again so I would rather paint fumes fill my house before then. We are just going to paint three walls gray. One is already a really pretty light green, but the other three look like this.....

Disgusting, right?! You can even see all of the roller streaks! Savier has not agreed to this whole painting thing, but I will probably just do it either way. I have to keep that door shut currently because I just can't look at that terrible color =P And it could just be a little playroom to move some of MaKayla's toys to until the baby is here. Or we could start filling it with nursery furniture. ;)

Anyway.. it's late and I am exhausted. I will update throughout the process! <3

Monday, April 7, 2014

26 nights too long.

I went to sleep without my baby for 26 nights. And now I will never have to again.

We have Avery back and as happy as I am about that... The tears just won't stop. ='(

How is it possible to have pain this deep that time truly is not healing?!?! And why does God think I am such a strong person?

 (I was really happy to show my mom and sister that Avery is finally with me <3)

Thursday, April 3, 2014


Today I am feeling quite defeated.
I was super excited to get blood work done today, because I knew that my levels would finally be low enough for me to not be considered pregnant anymore. And this was suppose to mean that it is time to try again. Buttttt apparently not. 
The nurse called and said that my level went down to 3.7 (or something like that?!) and then said to call her when I get a period. I reminded her that I don't get periods on my own and she said then we will do blood work again in 35 days. I said "umm... 35 days?!" She said that my hormones need to completely reset themselves before I can even start with birth control. So she wanted me to wait 35 days and then take birth control for three weeks and then get a period and then start injections! I'm quite sure she heard the concern in my voice because she said that she will have me do the blood work in two weeks to see where I am at. So even if the results do happen to be good then, that puts us at the last week of May for the next procedure. When this all started they made it sound like I was going to be able to try again within a couple of weeks.. not a couple of months. 
On Monday my commander asked how everything was going and I noticed him glance at my stomach when I got to PT in the morning. I was very hesitant and gave him an "egh... okay, kind of, I guess". But what do you say in that situation.. terrible, thanks for asking!? So in the morning he emailed me and said that something seemed off and that he didn't want to pry, but he hopes that I am okay and that him and his wife are there to talk or help me get assistance if I need it. I emailed him back thanking him for caring and telling him briefly what happened. He said that he thought that was going to be my answer and that he was so sorry and that our family is in his family's thoughts and prayers. I couldn't keep it together. Telling somebody new made it feel like it was happening all over again and I just lost it. 
Today a female NCO in my squadron who is in charge of PT stuff came to my office and asked if there was somewhere we could talk and I knew right away what it was about. We went into a different room and she just said "I know that this is going to be a touchy subject.." and I immediately started tearing up. She hugged me and told me how sorry she was and how she can't even imagine what it's like to go through this. And then she got into the PT stuff. Since I was pregnant for less than 20 weeks I am suppose to take my PT test on time. Which was last month.... so technically I have to take it now. But she told me to go talk to my doctors about getting a new profile and that she will do whatever it takes to help me in this situation if I have issues. Part of me wants to just take it and get it over with so I don't have to worry about it, but the other part of me knows that I am not as ready as I usually would be. It has been over three months since I was allowed to do anything. I started running again about two weeks ago, but I haven't done a push-up or sit-up.
After I got off of the phone with the nurse this evening when she told me what our timeline is looking like, I laid down and tried to figure out why I am in such a hurry to get pregnant again. I didn't come up with a concrete answer, but what I did figure out is that I do not think that I will be 100% happy until I do. I already have a wonderful life and family... but the greatest thing was given to me and stolen away so quickly. And now it makes me crave it more than ever. When MaKayla is not here and I am not being an active mother, I just feel empty. When she is here, I wish so badly that I could just give her a sibling already. 
I feel so lost. I really want to get back into fitness and look like I did before... just because that kept me really happy and maybe it could again. But I am not sure if that would be a good thing for my body. I don't know what is best.. I don't know what will hurt me even more.. and I feel like a pest asking my nurse so many questions. I know that is stupid... but it's so hard when all of our communication is through email and phone conversations. 
I just miss Avery. I want him back so badly. ='( It's not fair. And I just can't seem to find any relief from this nightmare.