I turned on the song "I Will Carry You" By Selah. Olivia told me about it a few days earlier and it is just such a perfect song! But this particular day it just made me crumble. I knew it would before I turned it on, but I just needed it. Prepare yourself before you press play if you have an angel baby. <3
I proceeded to turn on a miscarriage playlist on youtube afterwards and just continued to cry. The whole way home. As terrible as it felt at the time, I felt the biggest wave of relief when it was over.
Church has been wonderful. Most Sundays I can't get to the end of a service without tears filling me eyes, but that is okay. This past Sunday was something amazing happened. Savier and I have been going to the early service at 8:30am, because we have had the Inside Track class at 10am. This week we stayed out a little late on Saturday night so we decided to sleep a little later than normal and go to the 11:30 service after class. Between class and the service I asked Savier to go get us seats while I went to the bathroom. When I got back he was talking to an older woman who was sitting in front of him. When I sat down she said they were just talking about me and introduced herself as Kathy. We chitchatted until the band started playing. One of the last things Pastor Greg said during the service was "Don't give up, don't give in. Look up because God is at work." And that was exactly what I needed to hear. When the service was over and the band had finished playing everyone started to file out, but Kathy turned around to talk to us again. I don't remember what she first said, but then she asked us if we needed anything. I said that we didn't and we were just going to go to the foyer to sign up for the married couple small groups. She said she would be happy to help us with anything we need even if it is just as simple as prayer. I smiled as I choked back tears and Savier told her that prayers would be appreciated. She asked if we wanted to share and pray with her right there. I still can't tell people about it, especially in moments where I am already choked up, so Savier told her that we are about to start a round of fertility treatment after losing our first baby. She was so sad for us and asked if anyone had ever prayed over me. I said no and she asked if I minded her getting in my face. She came around and sat next to me and put one arm around me and rested her other hand on mine. I can't remember exactly what she said.. but whatever it was was absolutely perfect. I sat with my eyes closed as tears poured over both of our hands. Afterwards she gave me her card and asked me to keep in touch with her. She said something about being the crazy grandma. =) I absolutely adore her and will definitely keep in touch! She reminded me a lot of my actual grandma, which was really nice! I know God sent her to me. I know we went to that service for a reason. I just know. <3
I have always despised the saying that everything happens for a reason.. but I am starting to trust in it. If you're not religious, this might be weird for you and you might think I am crazy, but I accept that. I think that God took Avery in order to help me find Him. I've never been a Christ follower before. I have never cared about religion. I have never felt His love. When Avery was taken from us, I searched for Him as I searched for reason. And I found him. God knew how to wiggle His way into my life. <3
Today Savier and I went to Fort Bragg. We had a baseline ultrasound and everything looked "quiet". My lining was very thin and my ovaries are empty. This was good news and we were told to come down to the office to get the injections! Turns out, last time when I was taking two shots every night, I could have only been taking one! They just didn't give me the mixable pack last time. I was quite excited to learn that I would only need to have one needle in my tummy each night this round! =) We talked about a timeline and Natalie said that she would call me after my lab results came back to verify the plan! I asked about PT and Dori said that I cannot do anything that will make my pony tail wiggle. She wrote out a profile for me which says the only things I am allowed to do are bike, walk, swim, and elliptical. It goes into more detail and one of the things it says it that I am not allowed to be officially weighed by the military. It mentions a 15 pound gain over the course of treatment. I didn't gain that last time so I am hoping I don't this time either! So, I went to the lab to have blood drawn and the girl took one tube instead of two and ended up having to stick me twice. I was sad. I hate needles. I didn't let her know that I was sad though. ;)
Natalie called on the way home, but I get crappy service on parts of that drive, so it never rang. She left a message saying that everything looked "quiet" in that area also and that she wanted me to go ahead and start the injections today. She said that she scheduled me to come back on Friday at 9am for a follicle check! So Savier gave me the first shot at 8:00 tonight! I am feeling hopeful. I know that time is going to feel like it is going very slow for the next few weeks, but we will make it! I told Savier on the way home that I want to paint the baby room this week. We have a week break from school so I figured it would be the perfect time. I don't want to do anything iffy when I get pregnant again so I would rather paint fumes fill my house before then. We are just going to paint three walls gray. One is already a really pretty light green, but the other three look like this.....
Disgusting, right?! You can even see all of the roller streaks! Savier has not agreed to this whole painting thing, but I will probably just do it either way. I have to keep that door shut currently because I just can't look at that terrible color =P And it could just be a little playroom to move some of MaKayla's toys to until the baby is here. Or we could start filling it with nursery furniture. ;)
Anyway.. it's late and I am exhausted. I will update throughout the process! <3
xox.
-N.
