This one may get a little personal. . .

The Friday that I feared so much did not turn out how I imagined it would. In a good way.

On Wednesday when I got home from work there was something in the mail for me from Amazon. Savier asked what I ordered and I told him nothing right before opening it. It was the book "Love You Forever" with a gift note from my wonderful friend, Jennie Repass and her family. <3 (I posted this article this week: http://moms.popsugar.com/Truth-Behind-Love-You-Forever-31923286) I set it on the counter and started walking across the living room when I felt something happen. And I just knew. I ran/hobbled to the bathroom where Savier was and just started saying, "I'm scared, I'm scared." and he had no idea what was going on. I told him it was happening and he asked if I was sure. I sat on the toilet and heard a 'plunk'. I told him I couldn't look and asked him to. He just started nodding his head. I just sat there and cried and had no idea what to do next. His first reaction was "flush it", which I think I have mentioned on here that I knew I just wouldn't be able to do. I ended up sitting there for at least 20 minutes thinking, researching, and talking with Savier about how to handle this. I knew I had to take our baby out.. I just didn't know how I would react to actually doing it. Savier said he couldn't be in there and that he felt like he would vomit, so he just went and got me a spoon and container. I took the baby out and examined what was actually there. This didn't gross me out even a little bit like I had thought it would. It was actually very amazing. The baby inside the sac with the chord still attached all came out in whole. I texted my sister to tell her and express my (what I felt like were) crazy thoughts and emotions. I washed everything off to see if I could see through the sac, but it wasn't very clear. Savier and I talked about burying it and then Jennisa and I talked about the same thing. She agreed that she would not be able to just dispose of or flush it, but Savier did not like the idea of burying it at someone else's house (we are renting this home) where we will not live forever. I spoke with Jennisa for quite some time to ease my mind and she even loves little baby Avery enough to have wanted to see him/her <3 (I will probably start referring to Avery as him.. because I just feel like our baby is a boy). Alaina saw a picture and said it was disgusting, before Jennisa told her it was amazing. She kept repeating it so Jennisa told her that it is my baby. She asked if she could see Nikki's baby again and then said "Hi baby!". Jennisa told her that my baby had to go buhbye and she said "Yeah, but she'll (the baby) be home soon. Poor Nikki. Poor Poor Nikki. Alaina make her feel better?" When Jennisa told me all of this I couldn't help but cry (even more). For one, I wished so badly that Alaina really could be here to make me feel better... and two, I knew that she was right. My little angel is home. <3 Not the home that I ever hoped he would have. His home is supposed to still be my womb. But he is home. 

Later Wednesday night I continued reading the book "Heaven is for Real" as I laid my head on Savier's lap. I just so happen to be on the chapter titled "Two Sisters" where the little boy who went to heaven, Colton, tells his parents that he has two sisters, not one. He goes on to explain that he met the baby who died in his mom's tummy. He said that God adopted her. His mom asks what she looked like and Colton says that she looks a lot like his older sister, Cassie, just smaller and with dark hair. She then asks what the little girl's name is. Colton says, "She doesn't have a name. You guys didn't name her."Which was true. The couple had agreed on a boy name, but not a girl name. And since they didn't know if it was a boy or girl when the miscarriage took place, they just didn't pick any name. Colton tells his mom, "She said she can't wait for you and Daddy to get to heaven." 

This made me fall to pieces. I had to stop reading in the middle of the chapter and set the book aside for the night to contain my emotions. It also made me feel so so happy about the fact that we chose a name for our little angel. I think you can all tell how this book has changed me and my views. 

So, I emailed my nurse Thursday morning and told her that I was 99.9% sure that I passed everything the previous day. She talked to the doctor and they said that I should be there at 7:30am on Friday (today) to have an ultrasound and make sure. If there was anything left I would still need to go through with the scheduled surgery and be to the next appointment at 8:00. This morning we did the ultrasound, and as I expected, my womb is now empty. There is a lining, of course, but there doesn't appear to be any tissue left. They had me get blood taken to check my levels and my hCG is all the way down to 149. In order to confirm miscarriage, I would have had to bring the baby to be sent to pathology and not get it back afterwards, or we can keep doing labs until we see the hCG below 5. We are doing the blood work, because I am not okay with our child becoming medical waste. 

All day Thursday I was looking into the possibility of having Avery cremated. I did not know if it was possible since he is only about an inch or two big, though. I felt a little crazy, but it seems that a lot of people have the same thoughts or actually have it done. I contacted a funeral home/crematory in town and heard back from them this morning (last night, but I went to bed early and didn't see it until this morning). They were very nice and very helpful. They said that they absolutely deal with this and do it free of charge. They even offered to pick the baby up if they need to. While researching all of this, I also started looking into urn pendants. After hearing that they could do this for us, I ordered one. 

I think that it is pretty discreet and it is just perfect. <3 It will be engraved with ACR. 

We brought Avery to the funeral home today and filled out the paperwork for his cremation. It felt so odd to be doing this, but so so right. When I gave him to the man after completing the paperwork and speaking about urns, he took him into the back to store him until cremation can take place, but he also looked at the size to address my concerns. He came back and told me that he thinks there will be more ash than will fit in the urn I purchased and asked what we would like to do with any extra. I was very surprised. I had even told him that it was alright to cremate him in a small box or something to ensure there would be something there to take home (like I read many people have to do). This did make me feel even better about the process though. We decided that we will just order another small pendant that Savier will be able to wear so that our baby is always with each of us. <3 It was very sad for me to leave knowing this is really it, but the people we worked with made me feel very comfortable and I am 100% positive that we made the right decision. 

Yesterday my friend, Rachel Brown, came to visit me at work and she brought me a gift! It was super sweet and I am just so blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life. At first I was so worried that people wouldn't understand my pain and they would just view it was an unfinished baby that did not mean much to the world.. but nobody has made me feel that way. Everybody has been so great to us and I couldn't be more thankful. <3

From here, we will wait until the lining in my uterus sheds to start again. Once all bleeding stops, I can start taking birth control in order to get a normal period and we will start the injections with that one. We will have a baseline ultrasound done before any shots are given, though, to make sure everything looks healthy and ready to support a baby if the procedure works. I won't know when this will all happen until that day is here, but that is alright. 

I can't wait until we have our baby back and I can keep him close to my heart. Maybe that is weird to some people.. but that is okay. To me, it is nothing other than perfect. My heart is still so heavy, but I feel myself gaining strength. Some moments, it all disappears, but thats fine. I am doing okay. I am not doing great; I'm not wonderful; I'm not horrible; I am just okay. And that is okay. 

xox.
-N.