Here we go again!

It's been quite some time! I've had wonderful days and I've had tough days. Just like we all knew I would continue to do. The bad day that sticks out the most happened about two weeks ago. I was on my way home at lunch time to let the puppies out. 

I turned on the song "I Will Carry You" By Selah. Olivia told me about it a few days earlier and it is just such a perfect song! But this particular day it just made me crumble. I knew it would before I turned it on, but I just needed it. Prepare yourself before you press play if you have an angel baby. <3

I proceeded to turn on a miscarriage playlist on youtube afterwards and just continued to cry. The whole way home. As terrible as it felt at the time, I felt the biggest wave of relief when it was over. 

Church has been wonderful. Most Sundays I can't get to the end of a service without tears filling me eyes, but that is okay. This past Sunday was something amazing happened. Savier and I have been going to the early service at 8:30am, because we have had the Inside Track class at 10am. This week we stayed out a little late on Saturday night so we decided to sleep a little later than normal and go to the 11:30 service after class. Between class and the service I asked Savier to go get us seats while I went to the bathroom. When I got back he was talking to an older woman who was sitting in front of him. When I sat down she said they were just talking about me and introduced herself as Kathy. We chitchatted until the band started playing. One of the last things Pastor Greg said during the service was "Don't give up, don't give in. Look up because God is at work." And that was exactly what I needed to hear. When the service was over and the band had finished playing everyone started to file out, but Kathy turned around to talk to us again. I don't remember what she first said, but then she asked us if we needed anything. I said that we didn't and we were just going to go to the foyer to sign up for the married couple small groups. She said she would be happy to help us with anything we need even if it is just as simple as prayer. I smiled as I choked back tears and Savier told her that prayers would be appreciated. She asked if we wanted to share and pray with her right there. I still can't tell people about it, especially in moments where I am already choked up, so Savier told her that we are about to start a round of fertility treatment after losing our first baby. She was so sad for us and asked if anyone had ever prayed over me. I said no and she asked if I minded her getting in my face. She came around and sat next to me and put one arm around me and rested her other hand on mine. I can't remember exactly what she said.. but whatever it was was absolutely perfect. I sat with my eyes closed as tears poured over both of our hands. Afterwards she gave me her card and asked me to keep in touch with her. She said something about being the crazy grandma. =) I absolutely adore her and will definitely keep in touch! She reminded me a lot of my actual grandma, which was really nice! I know God sent her to me. I know we went to that service for a reason. I just know. <3

I have always despised the saying that everything happens for a reason.. but I am starting to trust in it.  If you're not religious, this might be weird for you and you might think I am crazy, but I accept that. I think that God took Avery in order to help me find Him. I've never been a Christ follower before. I have never cared about religion. I have never felt His love. When Avery was taken from us, I searched for Him as I searched for reason. And I found him. God knew how to wiggle His way into my life. <3

Today Savier and I went to Fort Bragg. We had a baseline ultrasound and everything looked "quiet". My lining was very thin and my ovaries are empty. This was good news and we were told to come down to the office to get the injections! Turns out, last time when I was taking two shots every night, I could have only been taking one! They just didn't give me the mixable pack last time. I was quite excited to learn that I would only need to have one needle in my tummy each night this round! =) We talked about a timeline and Natalie said that she would call me after my lab results came back to verify the plan! I asked about PT and Dori said that I cannot do anything that will make my pony tail wiggle. She wrote out a profile for me which says the only things I am allowed to do are bike, walk, swim, and elliptical. It goes into more detail and one of the things it says it that I am not allowed to be officially weighed by the military. It mentions a 15 pound gain over the course of treatment. I didn't gain that last time so I am hoping I don't this time either! So, I went to the lab to have blood drawn and the girl took one tube instead of two and ended up having to stick me twice. I was sad. I hate needles. I didn't let her know that I was sad though. ;)

Natalie called on the way home, but I get crappy service on parts of that drive, so it never rang. She left a message saying that everything looked "quiet" in that area also and that she wanted me to go ahead and start the injections today. She said that she scheduled me to come back on Friday at 9am for a follicle check! So Savier gave me the first shot at 8:00 tonight! I am feeling hopeful. I know that time is going to feel like it is going very slow for the next few weeks, but we will make it! I told Savier on the way home that I want to paint the baby room this week. We have a week break from school so I figured it would be the perfect time. I don't want to do anything iffy when I get pregnant again so I would rather paint fumes fill my house before then. We are just going to paint three walls gray. One is already a really pretty light green, but the other three look like this.....

Disgusting, right?! You can even see all of the roller streaks! Savier has not agreed to this whole painting thing, but I will probably just do it either way. I have to keep that door shut currently because I just can't look at that terrible color =P And it could just be a little playroom to move some of MaKayla's toys to until the baby is here. Or we could start filling it with nursery furniture. ;)

Anyway.. it's late and I am exhausted. I will update throughout the process! <3

xox.

-N.

26 nights too long.

I went to sleep without my baby for 26 nights. And now I will never have to again.

We have Avery back and as happy as I am about that... The tears just won't stop. ='(

How is it possible to have pain this deep that time truly is not healing?!?! And why does God think I am such a strong person?

 (I was really happy to show my mom and sister that Avery is finally with me <3)

Defeat.

Today I am feeling quite defeated.

I was super excited to get blood work done today, because I knew that my levels would finally be low enough for me to not be considered pregnant anymore. And this was suppose to mean that it is time to try again. Buttttt apparently not. 

The nurse called and said that my level went down to 3.7 (or something like that?!) and then said to call her when I get a period. I reminded her that I don't get periods on my own and she said then we will do blood work again in 35 days. I said "umm... 35 days?!" She said that my hormones need to completely reset themselves before I can even start with birth control. So she wanted me to wait 35 days and then take birth control for three weeks and then get a period and then start injections! I'm quite sure she heard the concern in my voice because she said that she will have me do the blood work in two weeks to see where I am at. So even if the results do happen to be good then, that puts us at the last week of May for the next procedure. When this all started they made it sound like I was going to be able to try again within a couple of weeks.. not a couple of months. 

On Monday my commander asked how everything was going and I noticed him glance at my stomach when I got to PT in the morning. I was very hesitant and gave him an "egh... okay, kind of, I guess". But what do you say in that situation.. terrible, thanks for asking!? So in the morning he emailed me and said that something seemed off and that he didn't want to pry, but he hopes that I am okay and that him and his wife are there to talk or help me get assistance if I need it. I emailed him back thanking him for caring and telling him briefly what happened. He said that he thought that was going to be my answer and that he was so sorry and that our family is in his family's thoughts and prayers. I couldn't keep it together. Telling somebody new made it feel like it was happening all over again and I just lost it. 

Today a female NCO in my squadron who is in charge of PT stuff came to my office and asked if there was somewhere we could talk and I knew right away what it was about. We went into a different room and she just said "I know that this is going to be a touchy subject.." and I immediately started tearing up. She hugged me and told me how sorry she was and how she can't even imagine what it's like to go through this. And then she got into the PT stuff. Since I was pregnant for less than 20 weeks I am suppose to take my PT test on time. Which was last month.... so technically I have to take it now. But she told me to go talk to my doctors about getting a new profile and that she will do whatever it takes to help me in this situation if I have issues. Part of me wants to just take it and get it over with so I don't have to worry about it, but the other part of me knows that I am not as ready as I usually would be. It has been over three months since I was allowed to do anything. I started running again about two weeks ago, but I haven't done a push-up or sit-up.

After I got off of the phone with the nurse this evening when she told me what our timeline is looking like, I laid down and tried to figure out why I am in such a hurry to get pregnant again. I didn't come up with a concrete answer, but what I did figure out is that I do not think that I will be 100% happy until I do. I already have a wonderful life and family... but the greatest thing was given to me and stolen away so quickly. And now it makes me crave it more than ever. When MaKayla is not here and I am not being an active mother, I just feel empty. When she is here, I wish so badly that I could just give her a sibling already. 

I feel so lost. I really want to get back into fitness and look like I did before... just because that kept me really happy and maybe it could again. But I am not sure if that would be a good thing for my body. I don't know what is best.. I don't know what will hurt me even more.. and I feel like a pest asking my nurse so many questions. I know that is stupid... but it's so hard when all of our communication is through email and phone conversations. 

I just miss Avery. I want him back so badly. ='( It's not fair. And I just can't seem to find any relief from this nightmare. 

Breathe in.. Breathe out..

I know that I haven't written in a while.. but my emotions have been all over the place and I am never sure if I want to write on a good day or bad. =/ Stupid.. I know.
For the past two weekends our family has been going to church. My friend, Rachel, goes to a Christian church called Sea Coast and after looking into it, it seemed like exactly what we needed. On our first day there, we found that it is everything and more. <3 I have never been a real church goer. I always wanted to be when I was a kid and would even walk up the street to Holy Redeemer with McKenzie when her parents would force her to go. My parents did not make me and they didn't go.. so it was just never a part of my life. I think a lot of the reason that I never pursued religion in my adult life is because I knew that I didn't connect with the Catholic church and I wasn't really sure where my beliefs fell.
This church is huge and so wonderful. They have a program set up where each age group has classrooms, so the kids can be dropped off to attend their own little teaching while the adults go to the main area. When checking them in, a sticker prints to place on the child and another for the parents to keep and they contain matching numbers. In the main service room, there are little screens up by the speakers and if a child needs something or something happens to them, their number will appear so that the parents can discreetly leave to go by them. MaKayla absolutely loves it there, so of course, her number never pops up! Last week she did beg us to let her come sit with us, though. She promised to be quite.. but as soon as we brought her to her classroom, she was happy as a clam!
The first week, the message was about timing. I felt like the pastor was speaking directly to me and I couldn't hold back tears. There was a section of the service when everyone could go write down a prayer and pin it to the cross to be blessed on the following Tuesday at their prayer group or everyone could go light a candle for someone who needed prayers. I pinned a prayer to the cross.. for Avery, of course. <3 Last week the message was about coming clean with sins.. not holding things in.. all of that good stuff. I absolutely love this church. It is really helpful to me and I finally really trust that God is taking perfectly good care of my little angel until I am able to step in and show him what a wonderful Mommy he would have had here on earth. I am sure he already knows though. I know he is watching me and allowing me to make it through each day.
Looking back at the past almost four weeks, I honestly don't know how I have made it to today. I guess it is true that you can keep going long after you think you can't. My heart still physically hurts and sometimes I can't even catch my breath. Sometimes I wonder if there are even any tears left. But it doesn't take long for me to realize that there are more. There are always more. Some moments they come hard and fast and hot... right after I thought  just maybe I'd caught my breath enough to grasp at some composure. But composure isn't meant for this. It is meant for job interviews, for speeches, maybe even for court rooms. Composure isn't meant for mothers who are facing the death of their child and their dreams.
I have been thinking a lot about my due date. I've also been staring at myself in the mirror wondering how much more my stomach would be sticking out if Avery was still growing. Another thing that I have been doing is becoming increasingly in tune with my body. I've started having headaches again every single day. I know that a symptom of amenorrhea is headaches, but I never really thought too far into it. My body felt perfectly amazing while Avery was here. There are so many things associated with this sucky condition that are a part of my life.
Another thing that has been really eating away at me is the word "miscarriage". I've said it at least a hundred times and I have typed it at least 500. Every single time, it makes me cringe. I did not miscarry Avery. He died. I carried him perfectly. I did everything that I was suppose to. To misplace something means to put it in the wrong place and lose it temporarily because of this. So does to miscarry something mean that you carry it wrongly?! I carried him to the best of my body's ability and I lost him forever.
Even as I sit here overcome with grief, I can still smile at how our baby was conceived. We fought for him.. put in a great amount of time, pain, and love.. we prayed.. we had the greatest of intentions and the greatest of plans.. and heaven sent down a whisper and a nudge. Avery was always, always meant to be. I cannot understand how he wasn't meant to be for longer, but I do know that he was forever meant to be. <3
As far as our next attempt goes... it's still on hold. And I am feeling very defeated over the situation. I thought that I would be able to start again this past week, but my hcG level was still at 7.3. And now I don't know if we will even be able to start again right away because I have to go to Missouri for work for two weeks in the beginning of May. It is looking like I will have to wait until I get back from there in order to make the dates line up right with the monitoring and insemination and everything. =(
I am hoping we can figure out a way to complete the process before I leave.. but it's really the doctor's call.

On another note, MaKayla left today. This obviously makes me feel even more empty. My entire world really does revolve around that little girl. She wasn't even gone for five minutes when the emptiness set in and I wondered what in the world I am supposed to do with my time. I can't even begin to explain how much she fills my life and how perfect of a pair we are. I seriously have no idea how to fill my time between work and bed without her... or my weekends. =( I could go on and on and on.. but it is already known that I feel deeply and I love intensely. Only nine weeks until she is back in my arms. <3

Oh life.. you are so so hard.

xox.
-N.

This one may get a little personal. . .

The Friday that I feared so much did not turn out how I imagined it would. In a good way.

On Wednesday when I got home from work there was something in the mail for me from Amazon. Savier asked what I ordered and I told him nothing right before opening it. It was the book "Love You Forever" with a gift note from my wonderful friend, Jennie Repass and her family. <3 (I posted this article this week: http://moms.popsugar.com/Truth-Behind-Love-You-Forever-31923286) I set it on the counter and started walking across the living room when I felt something happen. And I just knew. I ran/hobbled to the bathroom where Savier was and just started saying, "I'm scared, I'm scared." and he had no idea what was going on. I told him it was happening and he asked if I was sure. I sat on the toilet and heard a 'plunk'. I told him I couldn't look and asked him to. He just started nodding his head. I just sat there and cried and had no idea what to do next. His first reaction was "flush it", which I think I have mentioned on here that I knew I just wouldn't be able to do. I ended up sitting there for at least 20 minutes thinking, researching, and talking with Savier about how to handle this. I knew I had to take our baby out.. I just didn't know how I would react to actually doing it. Savier said he couldn't be in there and that he felt like he would vomit, so he just went and got me a spoon and container. I took the baby out and examined what was actually there. This didn't gross me out even a little bit like I had thought it would. It was actually very amazing. The baby inside the sac with the chord still attached all came out in whole. I texted my sister to tell her and express my (what I felt like were) crazy thoughts and emotions. I washed everything off to see if I could see through the sac, but it wasn't very clear. Savier and I talked about burying it and then Jennisa and I talked about the same thing. She agreed that she would not be able to just dispose of or flush it, but Savier did not like the idea of burying it at someone else's house (we are renting this home) where we will not live forever. I spoke with Jennisa for quite some time to ease my mind and she even loves little baby Avery enough to have wanted to see him/her <3 (I will probably start referring to Avery as him.. because I just feel like our baby is a boy). Alaina saw a picture and said it was disgusting, before Jennisa told her it was amazing. She kept repeating it so Jennisa told her that it is my baby. She asked if she could see Nikki's baby again and then said "Hi baby!". Jennisa told her that my baby had to go buhbye and she said "Yeah, but she'll (the baby) be home soon. Poor Nikki. Poor Poor Nikki. Alaina make her feel better?" When Jennisa told me all of this I couldn't help but cry (even more). For one, I wished so badly that Alaina really could be here to make me feel better... and two, I knew that she was right. My little angel is home. <3 Not the home that I ever hoped he would have. His home is supposed to still be my womb. But he is home. 

Later Wednesday night I continued reading the book "Heaven is for Real" as I laid my head on Savier's lap. I just so happen to be on the chapter titled "Two Sisters" where the little boy who went to heaven, Colton, tells his parents that he has two sisters, not one. He goes on to explain that he met the baby who died in his mom's tummy. He said that God adopted her. His mom asks what she looked like and Colton says that she looks a lot like his older sister, Cassie, just smaller and with dark hair. She then asks what the little girl's name is. Colton says, "She doesn't have a name. You guys didn't name her."Which was true. The couple had agreed on a boy name, but not a girl name. And since they didn't know if it was a boy or girl when the miscarriage took place, they just didn't pick any name. Colton tells his mom, "She said she can't wait for you and Daddy to get to heaven." 

This made me fall to pieces. I had to stop reading in the middle of the chapter and set the book aside for the night to contain my emotions. It also made me feel so so happy about the fact that we chose a name for our little angel. I think you can all tell how this book has changed me and my views. 

So, I emailed my nurse Thursday morning and told her that I was 99.9% sure that I passed everything the previous day. She talked to the doctor and they said that I should be there at 7:30am on Friday (today) to have an ultrasound and make sure. If there was anything left I would still need to go through with the scheduled surgery and be to the next appointment at 8:00. This morning we did the ultrasound, and as I expected, my womb is now empty. There is a lining, of course, but there doesn't appear to be any tissue left. They had me get blood taken to check my levels and my hCG is all the way down to 149. In order to confirm miscarriage, I would have had to bring the baby to be sent to pathology and not get it back afterwards, or we can keep doing labs until we see the hCG below 5. We are doing the blood work, because I am not okay with our child becoming medical waste. 

All day Thursday I was looking into the possibility of having Avery cremated. I did not know if it was possible since he is only about an inch or two big, though. I felt a little crazy, but it seems that a lot of people have the same thoughts or actually have it done. I contacted a funeral home/crematory in town and heard back from them this morning (last night, but I went to bed early and didn't see it until this morning). They were very nice and very helpful. They said that they absolutely deal with this and do it free of charge. They even offered to pick the baby up if they need to. While researching all of this, I also started looking into urn pendants. After hearing that they could do this for us, I ordered one. 

I think that it is pretty discreet and it is just perfect. <3 It will be engraved with ACR. 

We brought Avery to the funeral home today and filled out the paperwork for his cremation. It felt so odd to be doing this, but so so right. When I gave him to the man after completing the paperwork and speaking about urns, he took him into the back to store him until cremation can take place, but he also looked at the size to address my concerns. He came back and told me that he thinks there will be more ash than will fit in the urn I purchased and asked what we would like to do with any extra. I was very surprised. I had even told him that it was alright to cremate him in a small box or something to ensure there would be something there to take home (like I read many people have to do). This did make me feel even better about the process though. We decided that we will just order another small pendant that Savier will be able to wear so that our baby is always with each of us. <3 It was very sad for me to leave knowing this is really it, but the people we worked with made me feel very comfortable and I am 100% positive that we made the right decision. 

Yesterday my friend, Rachel Brown, came to visit me at work and she brought me a gift! It was super sweet and I am just so blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life. At first I was so worried that people wouldn't understand my pain and they would just view it was an unfinished baby that did not mean much to the world.. but nobody has made me feel that way. Everybody has been so great to us and I couldn't be more thankful. <3

From here, we will wait until the lining in my uterus sheds to start again. Once all bleeding stops, I can start taking birth control in order to get a normal period and we will start the injections with that one. We will have a baseline ultrasound done before any shots are given, though, to make sure everything looks healthy and ready to support a baby if the procedure works. I won't know when this will all happen until that day is here, but that is alright. 

I can't wait until we have our baby back and I can keep him close to my heart. Maybe that is weird to some people.. but that is okay. To me, it is nothing other than perfect. My heart is still so heavy, but I feel myself gaining strength. Some moments, it all disappears, but thats fine. I am doing okay. I am not doing great; I'm not wonderful; I'm not horrible; I am just okay. And that is okay. 

xox.
-N.

Doctor's appointment.

I had a doctor's appointment today. We go to see Dr. Torrealday this time instead of Dr Parker, which made us both very happy. We did an ultrasound to see if the baby is still in there (which I already knew the answer to) and we were completely shocked at what we saw.

They didn't give us copies, I just had Savier take pictures when the doctor left the room. These also aren't the best and don't show the best of what we saw, but it gives you an idea. So, the doctor was looking around in there for at least 3-5 minutes.. which is about 2.5-4.5 minutes longer than the last one which told us the baby wasn't progressing. But it looked SO much bigger than last time and this is the first time that we actually saw the baby connected to me. This made us both so uneasy. She said that it is making it's way down, which is why I started having cramping yesterday, but she wanted to talk about our options. She was so careful with her words during the whole thing.. especially when she talked about looking over the notes from Dr. Parker. Savier is completely convinced that the doctor was wrong and that our baby was fine until he told me to stop taking my medications. I just don't even know what to think. What I do know is that this is the first time I have seen what I saw and that it is way more than I ever expected. (Back track a little -- when I talked to the nurse last week I asked her what my lab results showed on that Monday and she said that all of my numbers were still really high and looked normal.. hcg was 6795!) My heart is broken. We were taken to another room to talk after the ultrasound and she gave us the three options of letting it happen naturally, using pills to force it to happen, or a d&c. I cried. I thought. We discussed. The doctor was very helpful and supportive of whatever we thought would be best for us. Our decision is to do the surgery. I have been waiting for it to happen naturally for a week. And the bleeding did not start until Thursday.. finally turning period-like today. I do not think that the pills would be good for me while I have to be at work. She said I would just see big clots, but I can't deal with that if I can't just be at home. The d&c is surgery... but it will be the easiest emotionally. As far as I'm concerned... I have been through enough in that department over the past seven days and surrendering is just best. I am happy that my little Avery has stayed inside of me this long though. I know that is kind of weird.. but it has given me time to process the fact that I have to let go. And I think that I am much more prepared for that now. So, Dr Torrealday had to call us after we left to let us know when the procedure could be scheduled for because the surgeons were in surgery and she couldn't talk to them right away. We were hoping for tomorrow, because I have been in a lot of pain, but it turns out that it is going to be on Friday. Honestly, I don't know if my body is going to wait that long. Right now it does not feel like it will. My heart hurts so badly, but I am very thankful that we were able to see our little angel today. 

The doctor did talk about the future and her views on all of this. She said that she is happy to know that I can get pregnant, even though this is not the result that we wanted. At first, I used to tell everyone that if something bad happen, I would be sad, but I would also be happy to just know that it is possible for me to become pregnant, and that I would want others to view it that way, also. I just didn't know at that time how sad I really would be, though. 

I have had such an amazing amount of love and support coming my way over the past week that I could not be more thankful for. It is hard being away from my entire support system aside from Savier, but we are managing. Some days are rougher than others and some moments just take me by surprise and completely take my breath away, making me fall to tears. But this is a process.. and the hardest one that we have ever had to face. One day I will see in color again. One day I will make it through without tears. One day. 

I forgave God today. But "I'm sorry" is all I could manage to say. ='(

Dear Avery. . .

Dear my sweet little angel,

Daddy and I finally chose a name for you yesterday. We are going to call you Avery Cole! =) I know that it fits you perfectly, even though I have not been able to see your beautiful little face. I want you to know that you are so very missed already. I know that you are still with me for a little while longer and that you will be right in my heart for every moment after, but I feel so empty. You were the light in my life for the nine short weeks that you grew inside of me. I have never been happier than the days when Daddy and I were planning your future. And what a beautiful future it was going to be. We made big plans and were so ready to tend to your every need. We even planned on making big life changes so that you would be able to spend your first year close to our family and not have to feel their love from a distance. Well, since both sides of your family live in different states you were still going to have to experience some distance loving until we were able to make our visits, but all of the family wanted to be a part of your life so very badly.

The last few days have been rough. I know you see me struggling and I am so sorry that some of your first memories of me have to be such sad ones. I hope that you understand. Friday was the first day that I made it through without completely breaking down. Thank you for giving me that strength. The fact that you have gone away has completely consumed me and I cannot function for a moment without you on my mind. It feels like the physical laws of the universe have been violated. I needed you far more than I need the very oxygen I breathe; yet you are gone and my lungs keep working. My breath is like a betrayal and it squeezes my chest worse than anything else ever could. I am suffocating in sadness. Maybe one day I will be able to take each breath and simply living won't hurt like this anymore. Maybe one day it will not feel like my heart is going to pound right out of my chest as it struggles to stay in one piece.

You never got the chance to become a part of our daily routine and to the outside world it is almost like you never existed. But you, my little love, are my very heart. You are my first child. You made me a biological mother. You were the first being to ever fill my womb. You will never be replaced.

I'm already learning to be grateful for good moments. My smile is not a betrayal to you and I know that you love to see it just as much as I love to feel it. The other day I laughed and your daddy told me how nice it was to see that look on my face. The look that hasn't been there since the days before I found out that you are an angel. A smile barely left my face while you were here. I hope you heard all of the words that I said to you back then just as loudly as you can hear them now.

Your big sister misses you so much, too. She asks me about you a lot. Every night before I leave her room after reading her a story and tucking her in, she asks if she can give you a kiss. I hope you feel it when she kisses my belly. A few nights ago she wouldn't stop hugging you and she laid her head against the very spot where you should be growing and said "I still just love the baby so much!" She is a little sad that we did not name you Quinn Aurora, but her feelings for you are the same regardless of what your name is!

I just keep trying to remember that every day that passes does not bring me further from you.. it is actually one day closer to finally holding you in my arms and looking into those eyes that I know are the most beautiful things I will ever see. I still can feel you, baby. I know that you are close. Fly pretty, my love, and I will see you on the other side. I cannot wait until that day. Avery Cole Rodriguez, my heart will never be complete without you. I love you with everything I have left of me. Watch over us and please guide us through this terrible time. I'll be seeing you. <3

Love,
Your Mommy.

p.s. -- I'm not afraid anymore, sweetheart. And it used to be my biggest fear. <3