For the past two weekends our family has been going to church. My friend, Rachel, goes to a Christian church called Sea Coast and after looking into it, it seemed like exactly what we needed. On our first day there, we found that it is everything and more. <3 I have never been a real church goer. I always wanted to be when I was a kid and would even walk up the street to Holy Redeemer with McKenzie when her parents would force her to go. My parents did not make me and they didn't go.. so it was just never a part of my life. I think a lot of the reason that I never pursued religion in my adult life is because I knew that I didn't connect with the Catholic church and I wasn't really sure where my beliefs fell.
This church is huge and so wonderful. They have a program set up where each age group has classrooms, so the kids can be dropped off to attend their own little teaching while the adults go to the main area. When checking them in, a sticker prints to place on the child and another for the parents to keep and they contain matching numbers. In the main service room, there are little screens up by the speakers and if a child needs something or something happens to them, their number will appear so that the parents can discreetly leave to go by them. MaKayla absolutely loves it there, so of course, her number never pops up! Last week she did beg us to let her come sit with us, though. She promised to be quite.. but as soon as we brought her to her classroom, she was happy as a clam!
The first week, the message was about timing. I felt like the pastor was speaking directly to me and I couldn't hold back tears. There was a section of the service when everyone could go write down a prayer and pin it to the cross to be blessed on the following Tuesday at their prayer group or everyone could go light a candle for someone who needed prayers. I pinned a prayer to the cross.. for Avery, of course. <3 Last week the message was about coming clean with sins.. not holding things in.. all of that good stuff. I absolutely love this church. It is really helpful to me and I finally really trust that God is taking perfectly good care of my little angel until I am able to step in and show him what a wonderful Mommy he would have had here on earth. I am sure he already knows though. I know he is watching me and allowing me to make it through each day.
Looking back at the past almost four weeks, I honestly don't know how I have made it to today. I guess it is true that you can keep going long after you think you can't. My heart still physically hurts and sometimes I can't even catch my breath. Sometimes I wonder if there are even any tears left. But it doesn't take long for me to realize that there are more. There are always more. Some moments they come hard and fast and hot... right after I thought just maybe I'd caught my breath enough to grasp at some composure. But composure isn't meant for this. It is meant for job interviews, for speeches, maybe even for court rooms. Composure isn't meant for mothers who are facing the death of their child and their dreams.
I have been thinking a lot about my due date. I've also been staring at myself in the mirror wondering how much more my stomach would be sticking out if Avery was still growing. Another thing that I have been doing is becoming increasingly in tune with my body. I've started having headaches again every single day. I know that a symptom of amenorrhea is headaches, but I never really thought too far into it. My body felt perfectly amazing while Avery was here. There are so many things associated with this sucky condition that are a part of my life.
Another thing that has been really eating away at me is the word "miscarriage". I've said it at least a hundred times and I have typed it at least 500. Every single time, it makes me cringe. I did not miscarry Avery. He died. I carried him perfectly. I did everything that I was suppose to. To misplace something means to put it in the wrong place and lose it temporarily because of this. So does to miscarry something mean that you carry it wrongly?! I carried him to the best of my body's ability and I lost him forever.
Even as I sit here overcome with grief, I can still smile at how our baby was conceived. We fought for him.. put in a great amount of time, pain, and love.. we prayed.. we had the greatest of intentions and the greatest of plans.. and heaven sent down a whisper and a nudge. Avery was always, always meant to be. I cannot understand how he wasn't meant to be for longer, but I do know that he was forever meant to be. <3
As far as our next attempt goes... it's still on hold. And I am feeling very defeated over the situation. I thought that I would be able to start again this past week, but my hcG level was still at 7.3. And now I don't know if we will even be able to start again right away because I have to go to Missouri for work for two weeks in the beginning of May. It is looking like I will have to wait until I get back from there in order to make the dates line up right with the monitoring and insemination and everything. =(
I am hoping we can figure out a way to complete the process before I leave.. but it's really the doctor's call.
On another note, MaKayla left today. This obviously makes me feel even more empty. My entire world really does revolve around that little girl. She wasn't even gone for five minutes when the emptiness set in and I wondered what in the world I am supposed to do with my time. I can't even begin to explain how much she fills my life and how perfect of a pair we are. I seriously have no idea how to fill my time between work and bed without her... or my weekends. =( I could go on and on and on.. but it is already known that I feel deeply and I love intensely. Only nine weeks until she is back in my arms. <3
Oh life.. you are so so hard.
xox.
-N.
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