Defeat.

Today I am feeling quite defeated.

I was super excited to get blood work done today, because I knew that my levels would finally be low enough for me to not be considered pregnant anymore. And this was suppose to mean that it is time to try again. Buttttt apparently not. 

The nurse called and said that my level went down to 3.7 (or something like that?!) and then said to call her when I get a period. I reminded her that I don't get periods on my own and she said then we will do blood work again in 35 days. I said "umm... 35 days?!" She said that my hormones need to completely reset themselves before I can even start with birth control. So she wanted me to wait 35 days and then take birth control for three weeks and then get a period and then start injections! I'm quite sure she heard the concern in my voice because she said that she will have me do the blood work in two weeks to see where I am at. So even if the results do happen to be good then, that puts us at the last week of May for the next procedure. When this all started they made it sound like I was going to be able to try again within a couple of weeks.. not a couple of months. 

On Monday my commander asked how everything was going and I noticed him glance at my stomach when I got to PT in the morning. I was very hesitant and gave him an "egh... okay, kind of, I guess". But what do you say in that situation.. terrible, thanks for asking!? So in the morning he emailed me and said that something seemed off and that he didn't want to pry, but he hopes that I am okay and that him and his wife are there to talk or help me get assistance if I need it. I emailed him back thanking him for caring and telling him briefly what happened. He said that he thought that was going to be my answer and that he was so sorry and that our family is in his family's thoughts and prayers. I couldn't keep it together. Telling somebody new made it feel like it was happening all over again and I just lost it. 

Today a female NCO in my squadron who is in charge of PT stuff came to my office and asked if there was somewhere we could talk and I knew right away what it was about. We went into a different room and she just said "I know that this is going to be a touchy subject.." and I immediately started tearing up. She hugged me and told me how sorry she was and how she can't even imagine what it's like to go through this. And then she got into the PT stuff. Since I was pregnant for less than 20 weeks I am suppose to take my PT test on time. Which was last month.... so technically I have to take it now. But she told me to go talk to my doctors about getting a new profile and that she will do whatever it takes to help me in this situation if I have issues. Part of me wants to just take it and get it over with so I don't have to worry about it, but the other part of me knows that I am not as ready as I usually would be. It has been over three months since I was allowed to do anything. I started running again about two weeks ago, but I haven't done a push-up or sit-up.

After I got off of the phone with the nurse this evening when she told me what our timeline is looking like, I laid down and tried to figure out why I am in such a hurry to get pregnant again. I didn't come up with a concrete answer, but what I did figure out is that I do not think that I will be 100% happy until I do. I already have a wonderful life and family... but the greatest thing was given to me and stolen away so quickly. And now it makes me crave it more than ever. When MaKayla is not here and I am not being an active mother, I just feel empty. When she is here, I wish so badly that I could just give her a sibling already. 

I feel so lost. I really want to get back into fitness and look like I did before... just because that kept me really happy and maybe it could again. But I am not sure if that would be a good thing for my body. I don't know what is best.. I don't know what will hurt me even more.. and I feel like a pest asking my nurse so many questions. I know that is stupid... but it's so hard when all of our communication is through email and phone conversations. 

I just miss Avery. I want him back so badly. ='( It's not fair. And I just can't seem to find any relief from this nightmare.