Daddy and I finally chose a name for you yesterday. We are going to call you Avery Cole! =) I know that it fits you perfectly, even though I have not been able to see your beautiful little face. I want you to know that you are so very missed already. I know that you are still with me for a little while longer and that you will be right in my heart for every moment after, but I feel so empty. You were the light in my life for the nine short weeks that you grew inside of me. I have never been happier than the days when Daddy and I were planning your future. And what a beautiful future it was going to be. We made big plans and were so ready to tend to your every need. We even planned on making big life changes so that you would be able to spend your first year close to our family and not have to feel their love from a distance. Well, since both sides of your family live in different states you were still going to have to experience some distance loving until we were able to make our visits, but all of the family wanted to be a part of your life so very badly.
The last few days have been rough. I know you see me struggling and I am so sorry that some of your first memories of me have to be such sad ones. I hope that you understand. Friday was the first day that I made it through without completely breaking down. Thank you for giving me that strength. The fact that you have gone away has completely consumed me and I cannot function for a moment without you on my mind. It feels like the physical laws of the universe have been violated. I needed you far more than I need the very oxygen I breathe; yet you are gone and my lungs keep working. My breath is like a betrayal and it squeezes my chest worse than anything else ever could. I am suffocating in sadness. Maybe one day I will be able to take each breath and simply living won't hurt like this anymore. Maybe one day it will not feel like my heart is going to pound right out of my chest as it struggles to stay in one piece.
You never got the chance to become a part of our daily routine and to the outside world it is almost like you never existed. But you, my little love, are my very heart. You are my first child. You made me a biological mother. You were the first being to ever fill my womb. You will never be replaced.
I'm already learning to be grateful for good moments. My smile is not a betrayal to you and I know that you love to see it just as much as I love to feel it. The other day I laughed and your daddy told me how nice it was to see that look on my face. The look that hasn't been there since the days before I found out that you are an angel. A smile barely left my face while you were here. I hope you heard all of the words that I said to you back then just as loudly as you can hear them now.
Your big sister misses you so much, too. She asks me about you a lot. Every night before I leave her room after reading her a story and tucking her in, she asks if she can give you a kiss. I hope you feel it when she kisses my belly. A few nights ago she wouldn't stop hugging you and she laid her head against the very spot where you should be growing and said "I still just love the baby so much!" She is a little sad that we did not name you Quinn Aurora, but her feelings for you are the same regardless of what your name is!
I just keep trying to remember that every day that passes does not bring me further from you.. it is actually one day closer to finally holding you in my arms and looking into those eyes that I know are the most beautiful things I will ever see. I still can feel you, baby. I know that you are close. Fly pretty, my love, and I will see you on the other side. I cannot wait until that day. Avery Cole Rodriguez, my heart will never be complete without you. I love you with everything I have left of me. Watch over us and please guide us through this terrible time. I'll be seeing you. <3
Love,
Your Mommy.
p.s. -- I'm not afraid anymore, sweetheart. And it used to be my biggest fear. <3
The last few days have been rough. I know you see me struggling and I am so sorry that some of your first memories of me have to be such sad ones. I hope that you understand. Friday was the first day that I made it through without completely breaking down. Thank you for giving me that strength. The fact that you have gone away has completely consumed me and I cannot function for a moment without you on my mind. It feels like the physical laws of the universe have been violated. I needed you far more than I need the very oxygen I breathe; yet you are gone and my lungs keep working. My breath is like a betrayal and it squeezes my chest worse than anything else ever could. I am suffocating in sadness. Maybe one day I will be able to take each breath and simply living won't hurt like this anymore. Maybe one day it will not feel like my heart is going to pound right out of my chest as it struggles to stay in one piece.
You never got the chance to become a part of our daily routine and to the outside world it is almost like you never existed. But you, my little love, are my very heart. You are my first child. You made me a biological mother. You were the first being to ever fill my womb. You will never be replaced.
I'm already learning to be grateful for good moments. My smile is not a betrayal to you and I know that you love to see it just as much as I love to feel it. The other day I laughed and your daddy told me how nice it was to see that look on my face. The look that hasn't been there since the days before I found out that you are an angel. A smile barely left my face while you were here. I hope you heard all of the words that I said to you back then just as loudly as you can hear them now.
Your big sister misses you so much, too. She asks me about you a lot. Every night before I leave her room after reading her a story and tucking her in, she asks if she can give you a kiss. I hope you feel it when she kisses my belly. A few nights ago she wouldn't stop hugging you and she laid her head against the very spot where you should be growing and said "I still just love the baby so much!" She is a little sad that we did not name you Quinn Aurora, but her feelings for you are the same regardless of what your name is!
I just keep trying to remember that every day that passes does not bring me further from you.. it is actually one day closer to finally holding you in my arms and looking into those eyes that I know are the most beautiful things I will ever see. I still can feel you, baby. I know that you are close. Fly pretty, my love, and I will see you on the other side. I cannot wait until that day. Avery Cole Rodriguez, my heart will never be complete without you. I love you with everything I have left of me. Watch over us and please guide us through this terrible time. I'll be seeing you. <3
Love,
Your Mommy.
p.s. -- I'm not afraid anymore, sweetheart. And it used to be my biggest fear. <3
Beautiful. You have a way with words. I had to hold back tears while reading this. :( but prayers are always with you all!! <3 love from TN.
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