Day 1 of injections.

Today was the day we started the huge step in our journey! I was suppose to start the injections yesterday, but I realized that I wasn't given injection needles for the Menopur so I had to wait until today so that I could go buy some. Here are all of my supplies:

 

So I got all ready.. and at the last second I yelled for Savier and asked him to do it for me. I hate needles and I just couldn't do it to myself. The needles are very small and thin... but I still don't want to watch it go into my stomach. The Menopur stung, like I read it would. The Gonal-F was fine. I thought that actually taking the shots would make me very emotional, but the only thing I have really been feeling is anxious. I hope so badly that they work the first time. 

As for all of my crazy emotions and thoughts that I said I would get into in the last post.. here they go.

First of all, my body. I have been extremely flat chested all of my life and even planned on getting implants when I returned from my deployment in 2012, until I decided to spend the money on braces instead at the last minute (thank goodness!). I was very self conscious about my boobs for so long, but when I started getting in good shape with Figarelle's Fitness, I learned to love it. I loved my small body. Every single part of it. It took me almost 23 years to feel comfortable in my own skin and to have 100% confidence. If you looked at my fitness blog that I referenced in my last post, you saw photos of me from then. If you didn't, here are a few:

I was so little. And so happy. During this time I decided that I would love to be in a fitness competition one day. I'm beginning to accept that this will have to wait until after I'm completely done having babies, of course. I got in the habit of using MyFitnessPal and I was eating 1200 calories a day. 35% protein 35% carbs 30% fat. It was easy as pie and fun. I have since increased my calories to 1500 and left the macros the same. Three hundred extra seems like so much to me, especially on days that I work out and end up having to eat nearly 2000. I still might not be at the amount my body needs, but I didn't want to do too huge of a jump right away. 

I am starting to see signs of fat on myself and its hard.. very hard. I don't feel beautiful when I look in the mirror anymore (I do realize that I am sounding ridiculous, but I can't help it). My bras leave indentions in my skin when I take them off, I am developing a "crater" in my right thigh, and I see weird creases by my armpit when I put my arms down to the side. My face is always the first thing to show signs of weight gain and its here in full force. I have not dyed my hair since I was about 16 years old, but two days ago I made a trip to the salon. I needed a change and this actually helped a lot! 

It's not TOO drastic.. but it's different and it makes me happy! Right now, its the little things.

Last month I told Savier that I was afraid that he isn't going to think that I am beautiful anymore as I gain weight and he reminded me that I was "fat" when he fell in love with me =). He is very supportive of me gaining weight right now, which is very helpful.. but I still feel some type of way about it. Okay... enough about my body. You get the picture that I am upset, frustrated, and slightly disgusted every time that I look in the mirror. 

Instagram/Facebook/Pinterest.... pretty much everything that I "follow" or have "liked" are fitness and nutrition pages. I have not even been going on Instagram because of this. Each time that I am on one of these, I get upset to the point of tears. I am making the conscious decision to unfollow/unlike all of these pages temporarily. It makes me beat myself up on a daily basis and I need to eliminate stress and unhappiness everywhere that I can. I am absolutely going to save the names of these pages somewhere for future reference though=) I get especially frustrated when I see things that I used to post. I was all about motivational photos and such (as you can tell from my old blog). I can across this the other day....

and I was absolutely irate. I know that it isn't anyone else's fault that my body is doing this.. and I can't blame people for being uneducated about it. My body can't stand anything. My mind was convinced it could and it hurt me.. it set me back even further than I already was. I do find comfort and joy in finding infertility photos on pinterest though.. like these:

                    

Another thing.. relating to two of the past things is that Savier is very into fitness now. He is all about lifting and eating healthy and he wants to compete also.. only not after I have babies;). I love that we got into all of this together, but right now I feel left out. I am jealous of his dedication to the gym although I am so happy for him and his progress. Sometimes when I see him on Facebook or Instagram and these ripped and sexy girls are all over the pages that he also follows, I feel sad and so broken. Again, I know that this is ridiculous and that he loves me and will no matter how "out of shape" I get during this process. It is just a reminder of where I could be in my fitness life. By the way.. he is sexy as hell and is doing soooooo amazing with his fitness! <3

Next point/emotion/craziness. One thing that I used to not understand was when I read things like "Don't be offended if your infertile friend declines an invite to your baby shower. Although it is a joyous time in your life and she is truly happy for you, attending this event will truly be hell on earth for her." I always thought this was selfish. But I am starting to feel it. It really isn't that we are unhappy about the person we love being pregnant. It is just a harsh reminder of what we cannot have and all of the emotions that go along with it. It's not just baby showers.. but that is a good example that I read a lot during my extensive hours of infertility research. I do hate that I feel this way about some of these situations, but I guess it was just unavoidable. 

Next. I am also starting to become bitter about some other people having babies. I see people becoming pregnant who are not in serious relationships, without a job, partiers, druggies, and on and on. It makes me SO angry. I do not wish bad on anybody and I hope that they all have wonderful pregnancies and 100% healthy babies... but damn it! Life is just so unfair. 

I just complained a lot. But it was necessary. I know that I already am a mother to MaKayla, but I just want to be a full time mother to a child that is 100% mine and my husband's. All of my life I have known that I was just meant to be a mommy. I absolutely love everything about waking up to a little voice whispering "mommy" and climbing in my bed, rushing around in the morning to get more than just myself ready, spending more time on someone else's appearance for the day than my own, playing with little kid toys, singing in the car to every kid song you can imagine, acting silly, doing things adults would think are absolutely stupid just to see a little smile and hear a little giggle, sitting by the bathtub well after it has become cold because someone is still busy sitting in it coloring and playing with bubbles, reading bedtime stories, little arms hanging around my neck until the person they belong to is fast asleep, and soooo much more. I live for this stuff, I really do. If I could make being a mother a job, I would do it in a heartbeat. I always tell Savier that my dream is to be a stay at home mommy. I do know that this is not realistic in today's world.. but if I had the option, I would absolutely take it without question. 

I need to learn more patience and more acceptance. I am so happy that the process is started, but I am so scared for my first follicle check next week. Hope for the best, expect the worst. Deep breath in, deep breath out. I've got this. I will get through it and I will be a better and stronger person. And eventually, I will become pregnant and my dreams will come true. <3

I will update after my ultrasound next week.

xox.

-N