For these children we have prayed.

Week 9 = complete sickness! Monday morning was the first time I threw up. =( I was at work after PT and about to heat up my breakfast burrito. I made a bunch of them and froze them awhile back and I always eat them on Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays! I had put them in the fridge the night before to thaw and when I unwrapped it to put it in the microwave I gagged to the point of puking just from the sight of it! The next morning I was getting my lunch ready and pouring au jus for my french dip in a container. It had been in the fridge so it got a little thick and as soon as I saw it I just lost it. Savier had to finish getting everything ready for me while I ran to the bathroom. I went to formation for Prime Beef day and then when I got to the office my superintendent told me to take advantage of days like that and just go home if I didn't feel good. I felt bad leaving, but it was SOO nice to be able to just sleep! I got home around 8:00 and stayed in bed until 11:20. Xena woke me up twice in between, but that's beside the point! 

I have been having a really hard time with eating. Nothing ever sounds appealing and I know I'm not eating "balanced meals" like I should... but right now I am happy to just be able to eat anything without gagging at the sight of it. Aside from that everything is good, though!

Today we had another ultrasound! <3  When Dori came in she asked how far along I was and said that we would try the abdominal one! =) It worked perfectly, it just wasn't as clear as the vaginal ones are! First we found Baby A who measured at 9w6d! Dori told me they are getting fat. ;) Which is good because I am, too! Baby A had a heartbeat of 171 bpm! Then we got to Baby B who measured at 9w4d and made me cry immediately! He/she was so active! Arms and legs were flailing around everywhere =)) Savier is determined that Baby B is a boy ;) "His" heartbeat was 171 bpm! We scheduled our next appointment for 10 days from now! Monday August 4th! I won't change it this time, because I have a class all of next week to help me transition out of the military and Savier has to finish out processing! =) When we left we discussed names again and we pretty much have them nailed down! The middle names could change I guess!?! but who knows! 

Girl/Boy = Hayden Rae & Quinn Marce (Mar-say)

Girl/Girl = Hayden Rae & Quinn Marce (middle name might change for a girl?)

Boy/Boy = Gianni (or Giovanni) Micah & Quinn Marce (Mar-say)

<3

We also discussed the fact that we have not officially announced our twins to the world. I am sure most people know, but we want to have a cute announcement, too! We were going to take it and post it tonight, but I was too lazy to do my hair since I woke up early today and just threw it in a pony tail! We will probably do it tomorrow! =) 

Aside from all of that, things are coming together well for our Wisconsin move. Initially at least! I asked my parents if I could move in with them while Savier finishes the academy and if he could come when he is finished until he gets a job! They said yes, because they are the best. <3 We are hoping that he can get a job offer before he graduates so that we can buy a house and I can just move in while he is still in Madison. We have been looking in Manitowoc County because he talked to the Manitowoc department and they said that they will be holding interviews at the end of August or beginning of September. They mentioned that they love military people and it sounded pretty hopeful! We just can't commit to buying a house until we know for sure where he will be working! Also, I spoke with my parent's neighbor about their van that they no longer use and that sounds very hopeful, too! My dad is going to test drive it and all of that good stuff soon and then we will know a firm price and all of the juicy details! But I am really excited about it! =) If Savier gets a job offer while he is in the academy life will be absolutely perfect! I am a little worried about that part of things, just because it will be harder to get a home loan if it happens later and I would rather have our own place when the babies arrive! I plan on working until October 31st and then going to Wisconsin! With the leave that I have and my house hunting days that I am allotted, I will still technically be in the military and be getting paid until November 30th! All of these months are going to be super crazy.. but it will all be worth it in the end! I am so so so happy that I will not have to have and raise my babies thousands of miles away from all of the people who I love the most in this world. <3 It does make me sad that we will be far away from half of our family, but we knew that this would come up when we got together and we always knew that we wouldn't live in Jersey. It is just sucky to think about the babies missing out on really getting to spend quality time on a regular basis with so many amazing people. 

My belly is growing like crazy and so are my babies and so is my heart! It's absolutely wonderful! =) My happiness is at full capacity! <3 I can't wait to share more in ten days!! 

9 weeks!

Random picture during the week!

Lovies!

Just look at those cute little limbs! ;)

xox.

-N.

Ultrasound number 2!

I rescheduled my appointment for a day earlier! Ten days was easier to wait than eleven ;) Actually, MaKayla's daycare was closed for training today so it just worked out a lot better for us! Our appointment was at 10am! Dori did the ultrasound this time and it made me feel really confident that they didn't feel the need to have the actual doctor in there! The babies actually look like babies now! =) We got to record their heart beats on the "My baby's heart beat bear" recorders! We bought the lamb last time I was pregnant and never got to use it, so I just ordered another heart to go in that one! =) She said the heart beats were around 170 this time. I didn't ask for exact numbers, but they sounded really good! They were very different from each other this time! Baby A measured at 8w3d and Baby B measured at 8w2d! It feels so unreal to see more than just little ovals, but this is the best unreal I've ever felt in my life! Dori gave MaKayla a picture of both of the babies together and she was so incredibly excited! She had me hang it on the wall in her bedroom as soon as we got home! <3   I am really excited to have one of both of them, but they just look like little circles in that one! We scheduled the next ultrasound for next week Friday! I won't be changing this one since it's only 8 days away ;) 

Over the past week and a half I feel like my belly has grown a lot! I have been feeling really sick and not able to eat like I should be. Everything I used to love makes me want to puke when I just think about it. Savier ate chicken and broccoli the other night and I was gagging to the point of tears and he had to go eat it in the living room so I couldn't smell it. =( I've also started resorting to saltines. They seem to help enough to make me functional! I haven't actually thrown up, so I am crossing my fingers that this is as bad as it is going to get! =P 

I have also decided that it is completely necessary for us to get a van! Im 100% okay with this, we just have to work out the logistics of selling my car since I owe more than it is worth!=/ Also, I am going to talk to the reserve recruiter on Monday. I spoke to him on the phone yesterday, but we discovered that he is from Two Rivers and ended up pretty much just bullshitting the whole time! He said he could definitely get me into Minneapolis, so I just need to figure all of that out. I'm nervous about our housing situation. Savier graduates the academy on December 12th and we will have to live in whatever county he gets hired in. Since we don't know where that will be we really have no idea what to do about a living situation before then. We can't rent a house and then break a lease a few months after and I'm not sure how easy it would be to find a month to month around there. Mostly I am concerned with the fact that we might not have a permanent place to live by the time the babies are here! I know it will all come together though! No matter where we are or what happens, there is nothing that will stop me from being the happiest person in the world! 

I have also been doing a lot of thinking about school and I'm starting to consider going for nursing! It seems very universal, which is what I will need. There are schools for it everywhere and jobs for it everywhere and at this point, where we live is going to totally depend on where Savier gets hired! I looked into dental hygienist again since that's what I always thought I wanted to do when I was in high school, but it just doesn't seem like there is a huge availability of jobs for that and the ones that I did find were all part time. I don't know for sure... those are just my recent thoughts on the situation! =) 

I did find this week through my extensive research that I'm obsessed with doing.. ;)... that OBs typically recommend no travel at 24 weeks for women pregnant with twins! Which means that I only have until November 5th to be in Wisconsin if I am going to have these babies there! That seems like such a tiny amount of time, but I'm confident that life will work itself out between now and then! =) Savier has even been looking into the possibility of working at the TR of Manitowoc departments! Ekk! <3 I never thought I would say that I might live in that area again! 

That is all for now I suppose! Except for the proof of my growing belly and babies =D .........

7 weeks!

 8 weeks! (woah!)

and my loves!! <3 <3 xoxoxoxox.

Sometimes miracles come in pairs!!!

I have known about our miracle for one day shy of three weeks and every moment of it has been so incredibly happy! I snuck a test one day early of the scheduled one and got an immediate positive!! It was 3am and I woke Savier up to tell him! I couldn't stop smiling or stop the tears, so that ended up being a long day at work! ;) The next day I had a blood test done and the number was already at 318!! Two days later it went up to 809! This was so exciting and shocking for us! 

We left for Wisconsin ten days after the first positive test and the whole time I was soooo anxious to have an ultrasound! I could see my belly growing and last night when we got to the hotel in Fayetteville, I could barely stand up straight because I could literally feel my belly stretching! This morning was finally the moment we had been waiting for and it brought the greatest news imaginable! THERE ARE TWO BABIES!!!! We are having twins and they are both absolutely perfect! It was a new doctor this time and he hasn't worked on the ultrasound machine there much, so we ended up getting to see them for a lot longer than expected! We saw the first one and immediately saw the beautiful little flicker of a heartbeat! =)) Then they moved the probe a little bit and there was number two with the same little flicker!! Both of them measured at 7w0d and had a heartbeat of 130! We even got to hear one of them!!! I was completely in tears! Greatest moment ever! MaKayla was really excited too! Savier's reaction was "I knew it!" MaKayla got down from his lap and kept giving me kisses! And I just kept smiling and crying.

I am still in a bit of disbelief! There are SO many crazy thoughts running through my head that I barely know where to start! 

What do I do about a vehicle? What do I do about the military/a job/school? How huge am I really going to get? How did we become so blessed!? How will be come up with another boy and girl name incase it is not one of each!? And mostly.. is this real life?!?!?!? =)))) There are about five million more, but I can't even keep my mind straight to think of them all! I am absolutely over the moon about this! There are barely words to describe what I am feeling! I would say a large mix of excitement, nervousness, impatience, and shock! 

There are two little heartbeats in me right now!! It is just so hard to comprehend! I cannot wait to see them again! We are going to do an ultrasound every week for the first trimester and the next one is scheduled for next week Friday.. 11 days away! =)) eeeekkkkk!!!!

I am so so excited for this journey and I feel so wonderful about it already!! <3

Here is 4 weeks!

Here is 5 weeks!

 Here is 6 weeks!

Annnnd here are our little loves! 

Savier took a video of some of the ultrasound also, but I will post that at a later date because it's too long for him to send me through texts! 

It's time for me to go dream about our beautiful babies and how amazing life has been to me! <3 

God is so so so good! 

p.s. I had a dream a few nights ago that we were having twin boys! ekkk!!! =P

Strike two.

85,000,000 sperm. 3 mature eggs. 0 babies. 

=((

Here we go again!

It's been quite some time! I've had wonderful days and I've had tough days. Just like we all knew I would continue to do. The bad day that sticks out the most happened about two weeks ago. I was on my way home at lunch time to let the puppies out. 

I turned on the song "I Will Carry You" By Selah. Olivia told me about it a few days earlier and it is just such a perfect song! But this particular day it just made me crumble. I knew it would before I turned it on, but I just needed it. Prepare yourself before you press play if you have an angel baby. <3

I proceeded to turn on a miscarriage playlist on youtube afterwards and just continued to cry. The whole way home. As terrible as it felt at the time, I felt the biggest wave of relief when it was over. 

Church has been wonderful. Most Sundays I can't get to the end of a service without tears filling me eyes, but that is okay. This past Sunday was something amazing happened. Savier and I have been going to the early service at 8:30am, because we have had the Inside Track class at 10am. This week we stayed out a little late on Saturday night so we decided to sleep a little later than normal and go to the 11:30 service after class. Between class and the service I asked Savier to go get us seats while I went to the bathroom. When I got back he was talking to an older woman who was sitting in front of him. When I sat down she said they were just talking about me and introduced herself as Kathy. We chitchatted until the band started playing. One of the last things Pastor Greg said during the service was "Don't give up, don't give in. Look up because God is at work." And that was exactly what I needed to hear. When the service was over and the band had finished playing everyone started to file out, but Kathy turned around to talk to us again. I don't remember what she first said, but then she asked us if we needed anything. I said that we didn't and we were just going to go to the foyer to sign up for the married couple small groups. She said she would be happy to help us with anything we need even if it is just as simple as prayer. I smiled as I choked back tears and Savier told her that prayers would be appreciated. She asked if we wanted to share and pray with her right there. I still can't tell people about it, especially in moments where I am already choked up, so Savier told her that we are about to start a round of fertility treatment after losing our first baby. She was so sad for us and asked if anyone had ever prayed over me. I said no and she asked if I minded her getting in my face. She came around and sat next to me and put one arm around me and rested her other hand on mine. I can't remember exactly what she said.. but whatever it was was absolutely perfect. I sat with my eyes closed as tears poured over both of our hands. Afterwards she gave me her card and asked me to keep in touch with her. She said something about being the crazy grandma. =) I absolutely adore her and will definitely keep in touch! She reminded me a lot of my actual grandma, which was really nice! I know God sent her to me. I know we went to that service for a reason. I just know. <3

I have always despised the saying that everything happens for a reason.. but I am starting to trust in it.  If you're not religious, this might be weird for you and you might think I am crazy, but I accept that. I think that God took Avery in order to help me find Him. I've never been a Christ follower before. I have never cared about religion. I have never felt His love. When Avery was taken from us, I searched for Him as I searched for reason. And I found him. God knew how to wiggle His way into my life. <3

Today Savier and I went to Fort Bragg. We had a baseline ultrasound and everything looked "quiet". My lining was very thin and my ovaries are empty. This was good news and we were told to come down to the office to get the injections! Turns out, last time when I was taking two shots every night, I could have only been taking one! They just didn't give me the mixable pack last time. I was quite excited to learn that I would only need to have one needle in my tummy each night this round! =) We talked about a timeline and Natalie said that she would call me after my lab results came back to verify the plan! I asked about PT and Dori said that I cannot do anything that will make my pony tail wiggle. She wrote out a profile for me which says the only things I am allowed to do are bike, walk, swim, and elliptical. It goes into more detail and one of the things it says it that I am not allowed to be officially weighed by the military. It mentions a 15 pound gain over the course of treatment. I didn't gain that last time so I am hoping I don't this time either! So, I went to the lab to have blood drawn and the girl took one tube instead of two and ended up having to stick me twice. I was sad. I hate needles. I didn't let her know that I was sad though. ;)

Natalie called on the way home, but I get crappy service on parts of that drive, so it never rang. She left a message saying that everything looked "quiet" in that area also and that she wanted me to go ahead and start the injections today. She said that she scheduled me to come back on Friday at 9am for a follicle check! So Savier gave me the first shot at 8:00 tonight! I am feeling hopeful. I know that time is going to feel like it is going very slow for the next few weeks, but we will make it! I told Savier on the way home that I want to paint the baby room this week. We have a week break from school so I figured it would be the perfect time. I don't want to do anything iffy when I get pregnant again so I would rather paint fumes fill my house before then. We are just going to paint three walls gray. One is already a really pretty light green, but the other three look like this.....

Disgusting, right?! You can even see all of the roller streaks! Savier has not agreed to this whole painting thing, but I will probably just do it either way. I have to keep that door shut currently because I just can't look at that terrible color =P And it could just be a little playroom to move some of MaKayla's toys to until the baby is here. Or we could start filling it with nursery furniture. ;)

Anyway.. it's late and I am exhausted. I will update throughout the process! <3

xox.

-N.

26 nights too long.

I went to sleep without my baby for 26 nights. And now I will never have to again.

We have Avery back and as happy as I am about that... The tears just won't stop. ='(

How is it possible to have pain this deep that time truly is not healing?!?! And why does God think I am such a strong person?

 (I was really happy to show my mom and sister that Avery is finally with me <3)

Defeat.

Today I am feeling quite defeated.

I was super excited to get blood work done today, because I knew that my levels would finally be low enough for me to not be considered pregnant anymore. And this was suppose to mean that it is time to try again. Buttttt apparently not. 

The nurse called and said that my level went down to 3.7 (or something like that?!) and then said to call her when I get a period. I reminded her that I don't get periods on my own and she said then we will do blood work again in 35 days. I said "umm... 35 days?!" She said that my hormones need to completely reset themselves before I can even start with birth control. So she wanted me to wait 35 days and then take birth control for three weeks and then get a period and then start injections! I'm quite sure she heard the concern in my voice because she said that she will have me do the blood work in two weeks to see where I am at. So even if the results do happen to be good then, that puts us at the last week of May for the next procedure. When this all started they made it sound like I was going to be able to try again within a couple of weeks.. not a couple of months. 

On Monday my commander asked how everything was going and I noticed him glance at my stomach when I got to PT in the morning. I was very hesitant and gave him an "egh... okay, kind of, I guess". But what do you say in that situation.. terrible, thanks for asking!? So in the morning he emailed me and said that something seemed off and that he didn't want to pry, but he hopes that I am okay and that him and his wife are there to talk or help me get assistance if I need it. I emailed him back thanking him for caring and telling him briefly what happened. He said that he thought that was going to be my answer and that he was so sorry and that our family is in his family's thoughts and prayers. I couldn't keep it together. Telling somebody new made it feel like it was happening all over again and I just lost it. 

Today a female NCO in my squadron who is in charge of PT stuff came to my office and asked if there was somewhere we could talk and I knew right away what it was about. We went into a different room and she just said "I know that this is going to be a touchy subject.." and I immediately started tearing up. She hugged me and told me how sorry she was and how she can't even imagine what it's like to go through this. And then she got into the PT stuff. Since I was pregnant for less than 20 weeks I am suppose to take my PT test on time. Which was last month.... so technically I have to take it now. But she told me to go talk to my doctors about getting a new profile and that she will do whatever it takes to help me in this situation if I have issues. Part of me wants to just take it and get it over with so I don't have to worry about it, but the other part of me knows that I am not as ready as I usually would be. It has been over three months since I was allowed to do anything. I started running again about two weeks ago, but I haven't done a push-up or sit-up.

After I got off of the phone with the nurse this evening when she told me what our timeline is looking like, I laid down and tried to figure out why I am in such a hurry to get pregnant again. I didn't come up with a concrete answer, but what I did figure out is that I do not think that I will be 100% happy until I do. I already have a wonderful life and family... but the greatest thing was given to me and stolen away so quickly. And now it makes me crave it more than ever. When MaKayla is not here and I am not being an active mother, I just feel empty. When she is here, I wish so badly that I could just give her a sibling already. 

I feel so lost. I really want to get back into fitness and look like I did before... just because that kept me really happy and maybe it could again. But I am not sure if that would be a good thing for my body. I don't know what is best.. I don't know what will hurt me even more.. and I feel like a pest asking my nurse so many questions. I know that is stupid... but it's so hard when all of our communication is through email and phone conversations. 

I just miss Avery. I want him back so badly. ='( It's not fair. And I just can't seem to find any relief from this nightmare.